When To Separate For The Sake Of The Kids (Episode 192)

Is there ever a point in a marriage where, for the sake of the kids, separating or divorcing would be the best at the present time? To find out, listen to today’s episode with Dr. Leman!

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Have things gotten so bad in your home that it feels like you are always fighting and there is no peace? Are the kids taking the brunt of it?
You may feel like separating would be best for the sake of the kids.

I have some questions for you:
1. Is there physical abuse involved?
2. Is there emotional abuse every day?
3. Has your spouse been unfaithful?
4. Have you considered how you are going to protect yourself and provide once you “jump off the cliff”?

There are a lot of significant factors to consider when separating like finances, what are the state laws, where will support come from, and most of all, is it really best for the kids?

Kids prefer to have their parents together even if there is fighting.

Ladies, you may want to read my little book Smart Women Know When to Say No.

Separation is not always the answer. Sometimes it may be. Be sure to consider all these questions carefully.

 

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Preventing An Emotional Basketcase; Losing Daughter To Grandma- Ask Dr. Leman 88 (Episode 191)

Are you worried about your child having emotional meltdowns at the smallest disturbances and going into “turtle mode?” Do you have a grandmother that your daughter is attached to more than you? Curious about how to handle the situations? Dr. Leman explains why on this episode!

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Question #1 Tyler:

I have a 5 year old daughter. I’m afraid that she may become an emotional basket case like my 13 year old niece. How do I overcome these seeds?

Girls thrive on communication. Some personalities will have a greater tendency toward emotional swings than others.

When the emotional bumps and bruises come along, they begin to melt down.

Tips:

1. Don’t deny her feelings. Instead assure her, “This is no big thing.”
2. Don’t feed the monster, instead say, “I know it is important to you,” but you step aside.
3. Don’t offer solutions, instead say, “Honey, I am sure you can handle this.”

Question #2 Tess:

My four year old daughter throws a fit when it is time to return to my house after being with father and grandmother. Mom and new husband are rejected with rage and anger.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

I am dead against splitting a child between two homes. A child becomes like a turkey wish-bone, and then she or he pays for it.

You have two options in this scenario:
1. Take her, put her in her car seat, don’t argue and make no fanfare.
2. Next time she throws this fit, leave her with them for the week. Let the family see how they feel about this. Let the reality of the situation become their teacher.

 

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How to Deal With The Dreaded In-Laws (Episode 190)

Is your relationship with your in-laws strained and you wonder how to handle awkward situations? In this episode Dr. Leman covers some practical things you can do to help let out some of the tension.

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Yes, there are plenty of strained in-law relationships out there. It is reality.

How do you best deal with these, and model a relationship you want to have with your kids someday when they are adults?

Watch out for the “should-er”!
The Should-er is the person who is always telling you what you should do better, differently, or now.

Have you ever tried this response?:

“Wow! You are the best! You are offering to clean up that flower bed? I was thinking about what we would do while you were here. That would be great! It is so kind of you to volunteer!”

Or maybe it is your mother-in-law who “shoulds” on your cooking.
“Great! I will have you take care of the birthday dinner! Just let me know if there is something you cannot find in the kitchen.”

Your Plan:
1. Be attentive.
2. Wait for the cheap shot.
3. Turn it around.
4. It will tame them when you put them to work.

 

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Hateful Adult Child; Advice Giving Grandparent- Ask Dr. Leman 87 (Episode 189)

Has your adult son or daughter turned against you and you lost relationship? How do you, or should you, help your child’s marriage? You asked and now Dr. Leman answers these two questions on today’s episode.

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Question #1 Kathy:

What do I do when my adult son turns heartlessly on us and tells us we are messing his life up? He was the veritable poster child who went to Bible college. He has cut off all relationship for a least a year. We have given him money for counseling and a down payment on a house.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You are too good of a parent. You’ve been too kind and generous. By doing this the kid gets an unreal concept of himself.
There comes a time when he needs to cut the path for himself. Kids have to figure it out.

If this had been me, I would have responded by saying, “You won’t be hearing from us again. We wish you the best in life.”

There is no reason you should have to deal with this hostage situation.
While he experiences not having Mom and Dad in his life, he may come around.

Question #2:

Our daughter is married to a man who appears to outsiders as a very fine man, but she has confided to us that he constantly criticizes her and puts her down at home. My husband just retired from pastoral ministry, and has helped many couples. Can my husband or both of us speak in love to our son-in-law?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Pastor, first of all, you know you can only help so much.
The danger with a man like this is that he could turn abusive in time, if not confronted.

There is one thing you could say in front of both of them. “I’ve heard you’ve been disrespectful to your wife. I’ve heard what a fine man you are, but I am disappointed how you treat your wife. You can do better.”

If he goes ballistic, I would let your daughter know she is safe at your home.

This is another instance where a blow-out is better than a slow leak.

 

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Lengthening Your Kid’s Leash (Episode 188)

Do you have a leash for you kid when you go to the zoo or other trips? What about a leash that isn’t visible, but used regularly to keep them out of harm’s way? If so, Dr. Leman teaches us how to use them in today’s episode!

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What is it that develops your “psychological muscles?” How about those of your children?
Did you know that by keeping your kids on a short, “safe” leash, you are actually disabling them?
As it is, parents do too many things that their kids can do for themselves.

So, how much do I let my kids experience life?
A lot more than most of you are!

Kids need to have longer leashes and longer responsibilities in order to be ready to move into the world. It is through experiencing bumps and bruises that they will develop psychological muscles.

Here are some tips for you, parent:
1. Teach them to be streetwise.
2. Base their freedoms on the responsibility they show in the home.
3. Be their cheerleaders!

Now, you can watch them stretch their muscles…

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Demonic Pokemon; Reality Discipline- Ask Dr. Leman 86 (Episode 187)

Are your kids into Pokemon, but you are afraid to have them embrace it because it’s “demonic”? Do your kids compete at just about anything and even get a little mean? These are the two topics Dr. Leman addresses in today’s episode.

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Question #1 Leanne:

My seven year old son is into Pokemon, but we don’t approve. Is Pokemon demonic? How do I keep my kids away from it?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

My advice is to take this very casually. The more you push, the bigger the problem you get. This is the kind of thing that will pass; it is not a life-changer.

Question #2 Haley:

I have just finished reading Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, and I am wondering about reality discipline when it comes to competition and being unkind.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Kids are going to be competitive–especially boys, like you have! And remember, fighting is an act of cooperation! You will go nuts if you become Judge Judy for these kids. Both kids have contributed to the unrest.

Use a “thinking chair.”

When the instance of unkindness or competition comes up, put the kids in their “thinking chair” where they will have the needed time to think through their actions and words.

 

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Your Past Is A Predictor of Your Future (Episode 186)

What does it mean that your past is a good predictor of your future? Can you TRULY predict your future? How can you apply this in your life? Listen to today’s episode to hear what Dr. Leman has to say!

#186- Your past is a good predictor of the future

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Is it time to invent a new game plan? Are things not working out so well with your parenting game- plan?

Looking back is always a good way to see what you’ll do in the future, but there is hope. You can make good changes in your parenting.

Change begins with you.
STOP
LOOK
LISTEN… to your interaction with your kids, your responses, your word choices.

The words you choose to use will alter the course of the relationship.

Listen to this podcast to hear examples of how to put this into practice!

If you are looking for more help after today’s podcast, you should read, Have a New You by Friday.

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Minecraft Over Dad; Ultra Powerful Child- Ask Dr. Leman 85 (Episode 185)

Has your child ever admitted to loving a video game more than you?! How should you respond and what next steps should you take? Is it alright to let your older kids help discipline their younger siblings? These are the two questions Dr. Leman answers on today’s episode!

Questions

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Question #1 Philip;

My 7 year old is so focused on his Minecraft that he had to intervene. When given the choice between myself (Dad) and Minecraft, he chose Minecraft, saying he would kill himself if he did not have it.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

WOW Philip! Your response is great…you will want to listen to the podcast to hear what he said!
We give our kids way too many things, way too soon! Taking away Minecraft was a great choice.

It will be important to explain to this boy that it was not his fault that the Minecraft was deleted.
It is on ME as the parent!
“We think we have done some things wrongly. You are going to see some changes around here. It is our fault. We have not done well to pass on the real value of life.”

It is our job to get our kids going in a direction; to TRAIN THEM UP.

Question #2 CJ:

I have made some big changes in my parenting after learning some tips from you, Dr. Leman, but my older kids are having trouble changing the way they treat their 10 year old sister. Are there things I can do to help the older boys deal with her in accordance with the new approach?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Yes, there are things you can do. Give the boys license to deal with her when she becomes irritating.

1. In front of sister, explain to the boys that if she gets to be too much they have your permission to use physical means to stop her. Just don’t maim or kill her!
2.Get the boys alone, and explain that you said this in front of her to get her attention. Give them scenarios as examples of where they can deal with her without physical harm.

In the end, the boys will learn how to deal with others in life without ending up in a fist-fight.

 

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Tips For People Looking For Psychological Help (Episode 184)

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in life? Whether in the area of marriage, parenting, or relationally, we all get stuck and know others who are stuck. How do we help others and ourselves in situations like these? Dr. Leman shares his tips on today’s episode!

#184- How do I get Psycological Help?

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We often run into people who are “stuck” in life. Their marriage is on the rocks, they are struggling with their kids, or they have broken family relationships.
How can we help someone, or even yourself, who is obviously “stuck”?

As a psychologist, I helped to “unstuck” a lot of people, and then came to the realization that many people can help themselves. That is when I wrote the book, Have a New You by Friday, because I believe that you can think your way to change.

Here are just a few hints to get one started:
1. Acknowledge that you are flawed, not perfect.
2. Own up to your weaknesses and mistakes.
3. Make a list of what you want to change (figure out where you want to go).
4. Tell someone else so they can encourage you.
5. Accept encouragement along the way.
6. Apologize when you make a mistake.

You can change your behavior by changing the way you think.

I would recommend reading Have a New You By Friday for even more helpful information.

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Politically Brainwashing Grandparents; Medications for Behavior- Ask Dr. Leman 84 (Episode 138)

Are you safe letting your children spend time alone with their grandparents who are “racists” or radical in other ways? Is it alright to let you kid in elementary school take medications to behave? You asked and now Dr. Leman answers them on this episode!

Questions

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Question #1

Do I let my kids spend time this summer with their grandparents who have some very different views than we have? They have become homophobic and racist. Will they damage our kids with their openly bigoted views?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

My answer will surprise you!
Wherever they go, they will encounter bigoted views. We are living in a divided nation.

Allow your kids to develop their psychological muscles through interacting respectfully with people of other opinions. Tell them, “everyone has a right to to their own opinion.”

Question #2 Julie and Ed:

What should I do about my 7 year old son who is being told he needs medications to help him settle down at school?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

I am not big on medications, but there are times that medically it is called for. A lot of times they will grow out of the need.

Get your doctor’s opinion on the issue
Ask if it can be only during school months
Empower him by giving him responsibility
Remember that repeating 2nd grade may not be a bad thing for him

Meanwhile, there are things you can do at home to help him. You can work on his need for attention by giving him lots of vitamin E-Encouragement. Don’t ask him questions. Change the kinds of words you use. For more on this, you can read my book, Have a New Kid by Friday.

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