Clingy 9 Year-Old; When To Apply Specific Techniques- Ask Dr. Leman 91 (Episode 197)

Do you have a child that you can’t leave because they are too clingy? Are you wondering what age is ideal to start implementing Dr. Leman’s teachings? These are the two questions that Dr. Leman answers on this episode.

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Question #1 Dani:

My clingy 9 year old won't let go of me when I drop him off at school or camp. He will run after me. What do I do in that moment?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

He is using what I call “purposive behavior.” He has a reason for doing it. He knows he will get a response from you.

Next time this happens, you need to simply turn your back, walk away and don't say a word. Don't even try to reason with him because he will just draw you back in.

You can explain to him at another time, “You need to go to school; this is your job.”

Question #2: Kelsey

At what age can I begin to implement your various parenting strategies?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

First of all, there is a danger if you over parent/micromanage your children.

Here are some examples of ages when kids are able to respond to various strategies:
1. Your 14 month old needs to be removed from a scene to a playpen.
2. Your 3 year old can handle you “stepping over her” when she throws a fit.
3. Your 5 year old can understand when you say it once and then walk away.

Have a New Kid by Friday is a book full of good techniques to start using at age 5.
Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours is good for all ages. (New revision coming out this fall!)

 

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I’ve Messed Up My Kid, What Do I Do? (Episode 196)

Have you ever felt like you have accidentally messed your child up? How can you correct the mistakes you’ve committed? Listen to this episode to find out what Dr. Leman has to say!

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You have gotten to know Doug and Andrea a bit throughout this podcast. Here is a peek into a struggle Doug is having with his middle son, who happens to be a lot like him.

It is easy to fall into correcting and expectations of our kids. Ranting when they let you down won't help the situation.

I offer a simple, yet profound solution to Doug's struggle.

Apologize

Kids love us anyway. Despite our rants.

Empathize with that kid. Get behind his eyes. Make a conscious effort to point out good.
Handle the gift of this son with tenderness.
Next time, stop and ask, “What is the new Doug going to do here?”

You will want to consider my book, Have a New You by Friday.

 

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Exhausted at the Dinner Table; Pity Party Baby- Ask Dr. Leman 90 (Episode 195)

Are you regularly exhausted at the dinner table and don’t have the energy to control your kids while eating? Is your child upset about the arrival of a new sibling and doubts your love? These are the two questions Dr. Leman answers on this episode!

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Question #1 Sheila:

I am exhausted at the dinner table. My two kids, ages 3 and 5, won't stay at the table, don't eat all their food, and are constantly running around during meal time.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Training is really important. It starts in the high chair!

Because food is a primary reinforcer, it is important that you, as the parent, stay firm when they get down from the table. Throw out their food. Don't give in to their whining that they are hungry. They will be hungry at the next meal.

The temptation will be to give them a little snack to get them to stop whining. This will destroy any headway you have made.
They won't starve before lunch.

Read my books Have a New Kid by Friday, and the new edition of Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours (Coming Fall 2017).

Question #2 Brandon:

We have three kids age 11, 6, and 19 months. Now that the baby is here, the middle child is upset. She says things like, “You don't love me.”

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

This is a birth order issue. She is both a middle child, an oldest (because of the span between her and older child), and an only child (because of the gaps on either side of her). She can go any number of ways.

The key will be that you never pay off her “Dog and Pony show.”
When she declares, “You don't love me.”
You respond with a quick and decisive, “I am sorry you feel that way, but I don't feel that way.”
Don't carry on.
Look for opportunities at other times to show and tell her how much you love her.

 

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Food Fight in the Family (Episode 194)

Yep…the big FOOD FIGHT! One is a health nut, and the other…an idiot! We had a lot of fun with this hot topic! I think you will enjoy listening in…Don't miss it!

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Doug and Andrea have a food fight! Doug's value is the fun of junk food, and Andrea values healthy eating and staying fit.

You heard it right! They come from different kinds of homes with different expectations and backgrounds, and this leads to…fights at times!

 

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Parenting As a Coach; Bad Math Grades- Ask Dr. Leman 89 (Episode 193)

Are you ever in a position over other people’s children, but unable to parent them? Is your child REALLY failing in school? These are the two questions that Dr. Leman answers on this episode!

Questions

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Question #1 Coach Warner:

I coach 5 to 10 year old baseball players, but they can be out of control, climbing walls and standing on benches. Since I cannot use the same consequences I use at home, what tools can I use to get them to behave?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Yes, many of these kids come from undisciplined homes from the time they are infants. They are used to getting to do what they want.

This problem will be changed through the parents, not through the kids.

Call a required parent meeting where you will get to communicate to the parents what your expectations are for the team.
1. It is a privilege to play
2. Baseball is not a democracy, but what the coach says, goes!
3. The kids need to pay attention if they want to play, and not find themselves on the bench.

Question #2 Vicki:

My 13 year old daughter has a 15% in math right now. I have been staying out of it, but my daughter is REALLY failing and I finally had to step in, but her daughter turned on me! What should I do?

Remember that I have my report card published for all to see! I was a failing math student myself!

Here is a chance to encourage your daughter!
Enumerate her strong points and agree that math is not her strong suit. So, why exhaust herself over math?

Stay positive and find her a tutor, preferably a high school boy. That will get her attention and take you out of the fray. Have them meet at your house where you and the family are around.
Use other math helps like apps that are available.

And, remind her that you hate math too. Take the power out of it.

 

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When To Separate For The Sake Of The Kids (Episode 192)

Is there ever a point in a marriage where, for the sake of the kids, separating or divorcing would be the best at the present time? To find out, listen to today’s episode with Dr. Leman!

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Have things gotten so bad in your home that it feels like you are always fighting and there is no peace? Are the kids taking the brunt of it?
You may feel like separating would be best for the sake of the kids.

I have some questions for you:
1. Is there physical abuse involved?
2. Is there emotional abuse every day?
3. Has your spouse been unfaithful?
4. Have you considered how you are going to protect yourself and provide once you “jump off the cliff”?

There are a lot of significant factors to consider when separating like finances, what are the state laws, where will support come from, and most of all, is it really best for the kids?

Kids prefer to have their parents together even if there is fighting.

Ladies, you may want to read my little book Smart Women Know When to Say No.

Separation is not always the answer. Sometimes it may be. Be sure to consider all these questions carefully.

 

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Preventing An Emotional Basketcase; Losing Daughter To Grandma- Ask Dr. Leman 88 (Episode 191)

Are you worried about your child having emotional meltdowns at the smallest disturbances and going into “turtle mode?” Do you have a grandmother that your daughter is attached to more than you? Curious about how to handle the situations? Dr. Leman explains why on this episode!

Questions

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Question #1 Tyler:

I have a 5 year old daughter. I’m afraid that she may become an emotional basket case like my 13 year old niece. How do I overcome these seeds?

Girls thrive on communication. Some personalities will have a greater tendency toward emotional swings than others.

When the emotional bumps and bruises come along, they begin to melt down.

Tips:

1. Don't deny her feelings. Instead assure her, “This is no big thing.”
2. Don't feed the monster, instead say, “I know it is important to you,” but you step aside.
3. Don't offer solutions, instead say, “Honey, I am sure you can handle this.”

Question #2 Tess:

My four year old daughter throws a fit when it is time to return to my house after being with father and grandmother. Mom and new husband are rejected with rage and anger.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

I am dead against splitting a child between two homes. A child becomes like a turkey wish-bone, and then she or he pays for it.

You have two options in this scenario:
1. Take her, put her in her car seat, don't argue and make no fanfare.
2. Next time she throws this fit, leave her with them for the week. Let the family see how they feel about this. Let the reality of the situation become their teacher.

 

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How to Deal With The Dreaded In-Laws (Episode 190)

Is your relationship with your in-laws strained and you wonder how to handle awkward situations? In this episode Dr. Leman covers some practical things you can do to help let out some of the tension.

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Yes, there are plenty of strained in-law relationships out there. It is reality.

How do you best deal with these, and model a relationship you want to have with your kids someday when they are adults?

Watch out for the “should-er”!
The Should-er is the person who is always telling you what you should do better, differently, or now.

Have you ever tried this response?:

“Wow! You are the best! You are offering to clean up that flower bed? I was thinking about what we would do while you were here. That would be great! It is so kind of you to volunteer!”

Or maybe it is your mother-in-law who “shoulds” on your cooking.
“Great! I will have you take care of the birthday dinner! Just let me know if there is something you cannot find in the kitchen.”

Your Plan:
1. Be attentive.
2. Wait for the cheap shot.
3. Turn it around.
4. It will tame them when you put them to work.

 

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Hateful Adult Child; Advice Giving Grandparent- Ask Dr. Leman 87 (Episode 189)

Has your adult son or daughter turned against you and you lost relationship? How do you, or should you, help your child’s marriage? You asked and now Dr. Leman answers these two questions on today’s episode.

Questions

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Question #1 Kathy:

What do I do when my adult son turns heartlessly on us and tells us we are messing his life up? He was the veritable poster child who went to Bible college. He has cut off all relationship for a least a year. We have given him money for counseling and a down payment on a house.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You are too good of a parent. You've been too kind and generous. By doing this the kid gets an unreal concept of himself.
There comes a time when he needs to cut the path for himself. Kids have to figure it out.

If this had been me, I would have responded by saying, “You won't be hearing from us again. We wish you the best in life.”

There is no reason you should have to deal with this hostage situation.
While he experiences not having Mom and Dad in his life, he may come around.

Question #2:

Our daughter is married to a man who appears to outsiders as a very fine man, but she has confided to us that he constantly criticizes her and puts her down at home. My husband just retired from pastoral ministry, and has helped many couples. Can my husband or both of us speak in love to our son-in-law?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Pastor, first of all, you know you can only help so much.
The danger with a man like this is that he could turn abusive in time, if not confronted.

There is one thing you could say in front of both of them. “I've heard you've been disrespectful to your wife. I've heard what a fine man you are, but I am disappointed how you treat your wife. You can do better.”

If he goes ballistic, I would let your daughter know she is safe at your home.

This is another instance where a blow-out is better than a slow leak.

 

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Lengthening Your Kid’s Leash (Episode 188)

Do you have a leash for you kid when you go to the zoo or other trips? What about a leash that isn't visible, but used regularly to keep them out of harm's way? If so, Dr. Leman teaches us how to use them in today's episode!

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What is it that develops your “psychological muscles?” How about those of your children?
Did you know that by keeping your kids on a short, “safe” leash, you are actually disabling them?
As it is, parents do too many things that their kids can do for themselves.

So, how much do I let my kids experience life?
A lot more than most of you are!

Kids need to have longer leashes and longer responsibilities in order to be ready to move into the world. It is through experiencing bumps and bruises that they will develop psychological muscles.

Here are some tips for you, parent:
1. Teach them to be streetwise.
2. Base their freedoms on the responsibility they show in the home.
3. Be their cheerleaders!

Now, you can watch them stretch their muscles…

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