Do you ever feel like you are the lone parent working to raise your kids? Are all of Dr. Leman's techniques great, except that you cannot figure out how to keep your cool, without letting sarcasm or anger sneak in? These are your questions and listen to find out Dr. Leman’s answers!

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Question #1:

How can I convince my wife to educate herself on child development? We have a 8 month old, and one on the way. When she is not working, she's browsing Facebook and putting the child in front of TV.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You are right, it is not good for the development of a child's brain to be propped up in front of a screen. It would be much better if Mom engaged and read or played with empty boxes.

Your question is how to encourage her.
1. Print off research, and say,”Maybe I am whack-o, but…” By downplaying yourself, you draw attention to the expert's research.
2. Call your pediatrician and ask them to discuss it with her at the next appointment.
3. Pray for her.

Question #2 Marcy:

I love your books and listen to your podcast regularly. I have a hard time using the phrases and techniques you recommend without letting sarcasm, frustration, or anger into the situation. Do you have any advice on how to keep your cool? Sometimes I feel like I am just a mean mom. Thank You!

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Anger builds up one puff at a time, like blowing up a balloon. Once you reach a certain point, it POPS!

Empty your anger tank.

How?
If you have a hard time saying things without the cheap shot, you need to take care of them one puff at a time. Learn to vocalize the things that bother you. Express it toward the situation. Not the person.

Try saying, “I am so angry when I come into this room and see it this way!”
Instead of, “You are such a slob!”

Practice speaking out the little things that make you angry as you go along, or into the mirror, rather than letting it all build up and boil over in an angry expression.

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It can be really hard to admit to your family that you are between a hard spot and a rock financially. How do you have the hard discussion with them? Dr. Leman tells us on this episode.

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There are times in our lives as parents that we really mess up. Sometimes we make bad choices that have an affect on the whole family, but it is really humbling to admit.
Like debt.
Job loss.
Is it right to tell your kids, or do you hide it to protect them?

Debt is never a good place to find yourself. It is a terrible place to be.

And, with your family, you must admit your mistakes.
Humble yourself. Tell the family what is going on.

“I have failed as a model. I made the mistake of thinking things are more important than people.”

This is an opportunity for the whole family to pitch in (depending on their ages). Mom and Dad find jobs. The kids can work as sitters and do yard work. Everyone can pitch in.

Don't let the shame eat you up. It is time for you to look yourself in the mirror, ask forgiveness and move on!

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Have you ever had your 9 year-old threaten to kill himself? How about your 5 year-old refusing to wear the clothes you buy her? How should a parent deal with these two powerful children? Listen to this episode to hear Dr. Leman’s answer!

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Question #1:

My son is 9 and just recently he started threatening himself when he doesn't get his way. If I discipline him or he gets mad at me or his dad he tells me to just kill him or he says he should just kill himself. Today he told his brother he should take his finger and push it into his throat. How do I respond to this behavior? My husband thinks he is just trying to get negative attention and to ignore it, but with the world today how do I know if I should rush him to a counselor. I don't think he is serious, but again…why does he keep reverting to those statements every time he is mad.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

He is a powerful little guy.

When kids threaten, it is just that, they are threatening. You take actions seriously, not so much the threats.

The questions to ask yourself is: What kind of positive attention is he getting in the home from mom and dad? Does he have any privileges in the family if he is the oldest child?

I would recommend reading Parenting Your Powerful Child.

Question #2 Cara:

I have a 5 year old daughter (only child). When she was about 3 her and I started battling over her clothes and hair. She refused to wear certain clothes, and began being very particular about the way her hair was fixed. After battling her, spanking, and losing control; my husband and I turned to your book. After realizing most of the battle was a power struggle I began to pick my battles. Her and I worked together to pick out her clothes. And I now take her shopping so she can pick out her clothes, and tell her she has to wear what we buy. The problem is we get home and she decides she doesn't like it anymore so refuses to wear new clothes/shoes. I have really surrendered and just let her pick her clothes, but she wants to wear a dress everyday, wants to fix her hair on her own, and wants to wear the same few favorites repeatedly. Our battle has definitely improved, but I feel like we still have many steps to achieve complete success. Does this still sound like a power struggle to you? And if so, how should I address it?

Dr. Leman’s Answer

My advice is threefold:

1. Let her wear what she wants.
2. Let her fix her hair however she likes.
3. Back off, and let it run its course.

When someone pokes fun at her over always wearing the same dress, she'll figure it out!

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Your kid is entering a world full of temptations and peer pressure. How do you get them ready to face their peers, to say “no” to cigarettes, alcohol and drugs? Should you say something? Is it too late if they have already dabbled in it?

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When I was a kid, smoking was everywhere, and I still remember my first cigarette at age 7. Yep, 7!
We thought it was cool, it was everywhere, we even bought candy cigarettes.

Today things are a bit different. We know how dangerous smoking is to our health, and it is mostly the kids on the fringes with low self-esteem who get caught up in smoking. They are lonely and believe they have found a new friend who has introduced them to smoking.

Then there is alcohol. This one is a big deal these days! Peer pressure is strong.

The best way to prepare your kids for this onslaught is two-fold:

1. Give them a secure home, where they know who they are, and where they belong.
2. Give them freedom to make the choice themselves. It is a matter of free will.

They will make the choice either way, so by granting them in fantasy the right to smoke, drink or try drugs, it will take away the urge to rebel. Tell them, “It is your choice, but we hope you'll be secure enough to make a healthy decision.”

And, importantly, if you have a family history of alcoholism, it is important for you to tell them about their chance to become an alcoholic.

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What do you do when parenting your nephew drives you insane and takes a toll on your younger children? What about if your 21 year-old son is dating a 26 year-old, and you really don't like her? These are the questions you asked, and Dr. Leman answers today.

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Question #1 Denise:

One year ago I took custody of my nephew who was living with my uncle. My sister gave him to my uncle at about age 7 and he could not handle him and gave the option of someone else taking him or him going to the state. I took him and have been struggling ever since. I feel like I wake up angry at him… He doesn't listen; I have to tell him the same things every single day.

I have gotten so tired of cleaning up after him that every time I talk to him I can hear the anger and frustration in my voice and actions… I know I need to change my approach but I am trying and failing constantly. The 2 younger kids in the house (my kids 7 &5) are watching his constant bad example. He also has an only child complex, He HAS to be first in everything! We ride our bikes to church and he will run one of the little kids off the sidewalk just to be first.

I have younger kids watching him and doing and saying things he does and says. I don't know how to change my attitude toward him and I need help finding a way to stay calm, be nice and show him love. AND change his behavior because he is driving me insane.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You are stepping in quicksand when you bring a child older than your own into your home. You need to ask yourself the serious question: “Is this kid's involvement in our home worth it?”

For the sake of this kid, you may be sacrificing your marriage and your relationship with your kids.
It is time for a tough conversation.

“Things are not working out with you here. I need to see some changes, or you'll find yourself living somewhere else.”

He may say he doesn't care, but he does. You may just see the changes you need to see in him.

One book that you would find helpful is The Way of the Shepherd.

Question #2 Mari-lyn:

Our 21 year-old son has been dating a girl 26 for the last year we have told him many times we do not approve of her. He told us he understands her and why she is the way she is (self centered/know it all). Months back we set major limits for her at our house. We thought this would run its course and end sooner than it has.

Again today I was very blunt with him and told him he was being used and he needed to kick her to the curb. He was sad at what I said, but hasn’t said anymore. How do I get him to see clearly and understand what we see and feel? Thanks.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You've said your piece, Mari-lyn. It is time to sit back and let the relationship ride.
Over the years, you have poured into this kid. Let that be his guide now.

There are a couple of things you can do:
1. Back off.
2. Invite them both over for a nice dinner, thereby lessening the friction between you.
3. Give your son lots of Vitamin E in the form of, “We trust you.”

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Are you having a pity party because your kids have more fun with your spouse? Do you feel like you are always the one having to tow the line, while they get all the credit for being fun? How should a parent deal with this? Is this just reality? Find out on today’s episode with Dr. Leman!

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These differences set you up to be a couple. It is the nature of your marriage.

There will be times when the kids gravitate one way or the other depending on the ROLE you play in the marriage and their need at the time.
If you are the parent who feels that you are always keeping things moving and directing the chores, ask your spouse, “Help me to lighten up a bit. What can I do? What do you see in me that I could work on?”

You will love the real-life conversation Doug and Andrea have in this episode.

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What do you do with a demanding 2 year old? Is there more than putting her in her crib when she throws a tantrum? Do you have young adult children living at home and working and going to school? Do you have to nag them to pick up after themselves? Dr. Leman gives us his answers in this episode.

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Question #1 Elizabeth:

What do I do with a 2 1/2 year old, the baby of my three children, who always wants to do it her way. She decides if she wants to go potty, when she wants to get to the dinner table. Everything goes her way or else she throws a temper tantrum. I just carry her to her crib and tell her she stays until she gets happy. Sometimes it doesn't take long. I just think that there has to be something else I could to, but at this point I don't know. Do you have an answer for me?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

A child like this is powerful. These powerful antics are purposeful in order to show you who is in charge.
You are doing the right thing by putting her in her crib.

Here are my tips:
Be consistent
You'll have to do it lots of times
Don't let her see your anger on your face, instead say, “I want you to k now that I am unhappy.”

In the end, you all win! You find peace in the home, and you put her on a healthy trajectory.

Question #2 Christy:

Dr. Leman, I LOVE your books! They are fantastic! Here is our problem: Our boys are 15, 17, and 20. The 17 and 20 year old both work and go to school full time. We struggle with evenly dividing responsibilities. Also, a huge problem is simply cleaning up after themselves!! For example, empty cups and popcorn bags being left on the table in the living room, wet towels on their carpet after a shower… Any suggestions?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Well, first off, the 15 year old has fewer responsibilities, so he should carry the brunt of the chores. He has more time!

Your action, not words, will make a difference with the boys picking up after themselves. I'd get a box and clean everything up from the living room–including any valuables they leave out. Put it in the garage. When they ask for it, send them to search the box.

This will give you a clean living room, and communicate to them that you are not doing their work. They will have to come dig through it to find their valuables.

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Do you want to be less controlling as a parent, but it seems impossible to let go? If you've ever thought, “If I let go of control, I'll get controlled and become vulnerable,” then this episode is for you!

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Are you ever worried that you are too controlling as a parent? But does it seem impossible to let go, for fear of totally losing control? “What will happen around here if I let go? You don't know my family!”

Take a deep breath!
You are not going to believe where this podcast goes…

Control comes out of fear. Yes. Fear.

It is a sign that you are:
Insecure.
Lacking faith in God.
Living vicariously through your kids.

It really is a spiritual battle.

In parenting it leads to destructive authoritarian parenting where you are worried about how your child performs, if they show up, or if they let you down.

Two books that I would recommend for this topic are Have a New Kid by Friday and Have a New You by Friday.

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What would (should) you do if your teenager comes home regularly every week high on marijuana? Should you be concerned if your eight year old daughter is checking out her private parts? Listen to Dr. Kevin Leman today to find out his answer!

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Question #1 Meagan:

How would you deal with a 17 year old girl coming home high on a regular basis. I feel like I can control what happens in my home but not what is happening outside the home. I've threatened drug testing but not sure if that is the right approach or not. I have talked the issue to death and she feels that since she has finished school and is working that I shouldn't have an issue with it. I don't understand that. Thank you for your help.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Yes, you cannot control what she does, but you do have control over
several factors in her life that will have an IMMEDIATE impact on her.
1. Driver's license. GONE.
2. Keys to the car. GONE.
3. Spending money. GONE.

You can cut off her money and her freedom. She is still living in your home.

You stay neutral. Don't come out angry at her.
The key will be that you don't buckle under her barrage of anger.

Question #2 Sara:

My daughter is 8 now and has seemed to have a bit of a curiosity about private parts! There have been a few instances over the past 5 years – playing Dr., you show me yours, I'll show you mine, showing another girl her “boobies, and just recently she showed another girl her butt. I guess I'm trying not to freak out, but I am getting a little worried. We have talked to her every time something like this happens and told her to come to us (her parents) if she has questions, but it hasn’t stopped. We have taken away sleep-overs in order to protect other kids, and as a consequence. Do you have any suggestions? Encouragement?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

This is absolutely common. Most people report doing this at some point.

Don't overreact.

However, most of this should be ending at age eight. At ten, I would
be concerned that she has a sexual fetish.

Ask yourself: does she share openly with me about who she is? Does she
share her emotions? (People with a fetish will be very private.)

The key for you will be to listen well to her. Value what she has to
say. Encourage her healthy bents.

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Today on our special 200th podcast, we want to give a message to EVERY parent! You won’t want to miss this great episode! Listen to find out what Dr. Leman has to say!

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For this special 200th episode, we are going to reflect on what we would love to let every parent in the world!

We also share what we have learned from this:

• Many parents are struggling with their marriages
• Many parents are struggling with sibling rivalry
• Many parents are struggling with help at home
• Many parents are struggling with screen time
• Many parents are struggling with school work
• Many parents are struggling with motivation from their kids
• Many parents are struggling with cold teenagers
• Many older parents are struggling with adult children who don’t want to be in their life.

What Doug and Andrea also learned:

• Being on the same page and loving your spouse makes parenting WAY easier.
• Let kids fight out their problems. They like each more afterwards.
• Giving up control is a blessing
• Listening without speaking or correcting is amazing
• Killing critic or perfection is a must
• Make the house theirs now is WAY more fun than our house
• Give the freedom to fail and they thrive
• Let them fail to gain their own motivation

In this episode we reference two of Dr. Kevin Leman's books that would be great to read and one of his products:

Have a New Kid by Friday

Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

How to Have Great Conversations With Your Kids

This is a great episode packed full of information that you won't want to miss!

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