Pot Smoking Teen; Interest in Private Parts- Ask Dr. Leman 93 (Episode 201)

What would (should) you do if your teenager comes home regularly every week high on marijuana? Should you be concerned if your eight year old daughter is checking out her private parts? Listen to Dr. Kevin Leman today to find out his answer!

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Question #1 Meagan:

How would you deal with a 17 year old girl coming home high on a regular basis. I feel like I can control what happens in my home but not what is happening outside the home. I've threatened drug testing but not sure if that is the right approach or not. I have talked the issue to death and she feels that since she has finished school and is working that I shouldn't have an issue with it. I don't understand that. Thank you for your help.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Yes, you cannot control what she does, but you do have control over
several factors in her life that will have an IMMEDIATE impact on her.
1. Driver's license. GONE.
2. Keys to the car. GONE.
3. Spending money. GONE.

You can cut off her money and her freedom. She is still living in your home.

You stay neutral. Don't come out angry at her.
The key will be that you don't buckle under her barrage of anger.

Question #2 Sara:

My daughter is 8 now and has seemed to have a bit of a curiosity about private parts! There have been a few instances over the past 5 years – playing Dr., you show me yours, I'll show you mine, showing another girl her “boobies, and just recently she showed another girl her butt. I guess I'm trying not to freak out, but I am getting a little worried. We have talked to her every time something like this happens and told her to come to us (her parents) if she has questions, but it hasn’t stopped. We have taken away sleep-overs in order to protect other kids, and as a consequence. Do you have any suggestions? Encouragement?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

This is absolutely common. Most people report doing this at some point.

Don't overreact.

However, most of this should be ending at age eight. At ten, I would
be concerned that she has a sexual fetish.

Ask yourself: does she share openly with me about who she is? Does she
share her emotions? (People with a fetish will be very private.)

The key for you will be to listen well to her. Value what she has to
say. Encourage her healthy bents.

 

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What We Want to Say to Every Parent (Episode 200)

Today on our special 200th podcast, we want to give a message to EVERY parent! You won’t want to miss this great episode! Listen to find out what Dr. Leman has to say!

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For this special 200th episode, we are going to reflect on what we would love to let every parent in the world!

We also share what we have learned from this:

  • Many parents are struggling with their marriages
  • Many parents are struggling with sibling rivalry
  • Many parents are struggling with help at home
  • Many parents are struggling with screen time
  • Many parents are struggling with school work
  • Many parents are struggling with motivation from their kids
  • Many parents are struggling with cold teenagers
  • Many older parents are struggling with adult children who don’t want to be in their life.

What Doug and Andrea also learned:

  • Being on the same page and loving your spouse makes parenting WAY easier.
  • Let kids fight out their problems. They like each more afterwards.
  • Giving up control is a blessing
  • Listening without speaking or correcting is amazing
  • Killing critic or perfection is a must
  • Make the house theirs now is WAY more fun than our house
  • Give the freedom to fail and they thrive
  • Let them fail to gain their own motivation

In this episode we reference two of Dr. Kevin Leman's books that would be great to read and one of his products:

Have a New Kid by Friday

Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

How to Have Great Conversations With Your Kids

This is a great episode packed full of information that you won't want to miss!

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Snarky Attitude; Immune to Discipline- Ask Dr. Leman 92 (Episode 199)

Do you have children that are great at back talking to you? Do you have a young child that seems immune and indifferent to any type of discipline you use towards them? If so, this is the episode for you!

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Question #1 Rachel:

I have two boys, ages 16 and 7. They have gotten into the habit of replying to me with bad attitude and snarky tones. I’m trying not to raise my voice. What do I do?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You are a good student!
You used the word, “Respond,” not “react.”
“How much should I tolerate?” is a good question. You are not the punching bag!

Here are two tips for you:
1. When they fire at you, instead of firing back, try this pocket-phrase:
“Oh, really? I'm not sure I caught that. Can you repeat it for me?”
By saying this, you take back the authority.
2. Use the tough love approach. “No, I don't feel like doing anything for you right now. You were disrespectful to me earlier today.”

Question #2 Louise:

I have a young child who acts indifferently to punishment I am using following the book Have a New Kid by Friday. What should I do?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Remember that this book is directed at 5 year's old and up.

This behavior may be a clue that you have a powerful child. He won't flinch. What he is saying is, “I am in charge.”

I would recommend reading, Parenting your Powerful Child.

 

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Pregnant Teenager (Episode 198)

Just imagine that your 16 year old daughter announces after dinner that she is 3 months pregnant. What do you do? How should you respond? Listen to this fascinating episode as Dr. Leman explains his view on this topic.

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NOW WHAT?

Take a second serving of dessert…
Embrace her…
Think about her anguish…
And tell her, “We will get through this.”

Now, LISTEN to her. Hear her plan. Don't correct her or shame her.

It will take time to hear her plan out. Let her wrestle with the realities, and let her come to the best conclusion after flip-flopping her plans several times.

What are the options?

Some choose abortion, which I am not a proponent of.

Some choose to keep the baby. In which Mom and Dad end up raising the child, and all sorts of family stresses are created.

Some choose adoption. This is the best psychological option for the daughter. She will know, “I did the right thing.”

A great book on this topic is A Chicken's Guide to Talk Turkey with Your Kids About Sex.

You won't want to miss this podcast episode!

 

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Clingy 9 Year-Old; When To Apply Specific Techniques- Ask Dr. Leman 91 (Episode 197)

Do you have a child that you can’t leave because they are too clingy? Are you wondering what age is ideal to start implementing Dr. Leman’s teachings? These are the two questions that Dr. Leman answers on this episode.

Questions

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Question #1 Dani:

My clingy 9 year old won't let go of me when I drop him off at school or camp. He will run after me. What do I do in that moment?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

He is using what I call “purposive behavior.” He has a reason for doing it. He knows he will get a response from you.

Next time this happens, you need to simply turn your back, walk away and don't say a word. Don't even try to reason with him because he will just draw you back in.

You can explain to him at another time, “You need to go to school; this is your job.”

Question #2: Kelsey

At what age can I begin to implement your various parenting strategies?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

First of all, there is a danger if you over parent/micromanage your children.

Here are some examples of ages when kids are able to respond to various strategies:
1. Your 14 month old needs to be removed from a scene to a playpen.
2. Your 3 year old can handle you “stepping over her” when she throws a fit.
3. Your 5 year old can understand when you say it once and then walk away.

Have a New Kid by Friday is a book full of good techniques to start using at age 5.
Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours is good for all ages. (New revision coming out this fall!)

 

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I’ve Messed Up My Kid, What Do I Do? (Episode 196)

Have you ever felt like you have accidentally messed your child up? How can you correct the mistakes you’ve committed? Listen to this episode to find out what Dr. Leman has to say!

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You have gotten to know Doug and Andrea a bit throughout this podcast. Here is a peek into a struggle Doug is having with his middle son, who happens to be a lot like him.

It is easy to fall into correcting and expectations of our kids. Ranting when they let you down won't help the situation.

I offer a simple, yet profound solution to Doug's struggle.

Apologize

Kids love us anyway. Despite our rants.

Empathize with that kid. Get behind his eyes. Make a conscious effort to point out good.
Handle the gift of this son with tenderness.
Next time, stop and ask, “What is the new Doug going to do here?”

You will want to consider my book, Have a New You by Friday.

 

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Exhausted at the Dinner Table; Pity Party Baby- Ask Dr. Leman 90 (Episode 195)

Are you regularly exhausted at the dinner table and don’t have the energy to control your kids while eating? Is your child upset about the arrival of a new sibling and doubts your love? These are the two questions Dr. Leman answers on this episode!

Questions

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Question #1 Sheila:

I am exhausted at the dinner table. My two kids, ages 3 and 5, won't stay at the table, don't eat all their food, and are constantly running around during meal time.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Training is really important. It starts in the high chair!

Because food is a primary reinforcer, it is important that you, as the parent, stay firm when they get down from the table. Throw out their food. Don't give in to their whining that they are hungry. They will be hungry at the next meal.

The temptation will be to give them a little snack to get them to stop whining. This will destroy any headway you have made.
They won't starve before lunch.

Read my books Have a New Kid by Friday, and the new edition of Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours (Coming Fall 2017).

Question #2 Brandon:

We have three kids age 11, 6, and 19 months. Now that the baby is here, the middle child is upset. She says things like, “You don't love me.”

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

This is a birth order issue. She is both a middle child, an oldest (because of the span between her and older child), and an only child (because of the gaps on either side of her). She can go any number of ways.

The key will be that you never pay off her “Dog and Pony show.”
When she declares, “You don't love me.”
You respond with a quick and decisive, “I am sorry you feel that way, but I don't feel that way.”
Don't carry on.
Look for opportunities at other times to show and tell her how much you love her.

 

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Food Fight in the Family (Episode 194)

Yep…the big FOOD FIGHT! One is a health nut, and the other…an idiot! We had a lot of fun with this hot topic! I think you will enjoy listening in…Don't miss it!

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Doug and Andrea have a food fight! Doug's value is the fun of junk food, and Andrea values healthy eating and staying fit.

You heard it right! They come from different kinds of homes with different expectations and backgrounds, and this leads to…fights at times!

 

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Parenting As a Coach; Bad Math Grades- Ask Dr. Leman 89 (Episode 193)

Are you ever in a position over other people’s children, but unable to parent them? Is your child REALLY failing in school? These are the two questions that Dr. Leman answers on this episode!

Questions

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Question #1 Coach Warner:

I coach 5 to 10 year old baseball players, but they can be out of control, climbing walls and standing on benches. Since I cannot use the same consequences I use at home, what tools can I use to get them to behave?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Yes, many of these kids come from undisciplined homes from the time they are infants. They are used to getting to do what they want.

This problem will be changed through the parents, not through the kids.

Call a required parent meeting where you will get to communicate to the parents what your expectations are for the team.
1. It is a privilege to play
2. Baseball is not a democracy, but what the coach says, goes!
3. The kids need to pay attention if they want to play, and not find themselves on the bench.

Question #2 Vicki:

My 13 year old daughter has a 15% in math right now. I have been staying out of it, but my daughter is REALLY failing and I finally had to step in, but her daughter turned on me! What should I do?

Remember that I have my report card published for all to see! I was a failing math student myself!

Here is a chance to encourage your daughter!
Enumerate her strong points and agree that math is not her strong suit. So, why exhaust herself over math?

Stay positive and find her a tutor, preferably a high school boy. That will get her attention and take you out of the fray. Have them meet at your house where you and the family are around.
Use other math helps like apps that are available.

And, remind her that you hate math too. Take the power out of it.

 

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When To Separate For The Sake Of The Kids (Episode 192)

Is there ever a point in a marriage where, for the sake of the kids, separating or divorcing would be the best at the present time? To find out, listen to today’s episode with Dr. Leman!

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Have things gotten so bad in your home that it feels like you are always fighting and there is no peace? Are the kids taking the brunt of it?
You may feel like separating would be best for the sake of the kids.

I have some questions for you:
1. Is there physical abuse involved?
2. Is there emotional abuse every day?
3. Has your spouse been unfaithful?
4. Have you considered how you are going to protect yourself and provide once you “jump off the cliff”?

There are a lot of significant factors to consider when separating like finances, what are the state laws, where will support come from, and most of all, is it really best for the kids?

Kids prefer to have their parents together even if there is fighting.

Ladies, you may want to read my little book Smart Women Know When to Say No.

Separation is not always the answer. Sometimes it may be. Be sure to consider all these questions carefully.

 

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