Exhausted at the Dinner Table; Pity Party Baby- Ask Dr. Leman 90 (Episode 195)

Are you regularly exhausted at the dinner table and don’t have the energy to control your kids while eating? Is your child upset about the arrival of a new sibling and doubts your love? These are the two questions Dr. Leman answers on this episode!

Questions

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Question #1 Sheila:

I am exhausted at the dinner table. My two kids, ages 3 and 5, won't stay at the table, don't eat all their food, and are constantly running around during meal time.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Training is really important. It starts in the high chair!

Because food is a primary reinforcer, it is important that you, as the parent, stay firm when they get down from the table. Throw out their food. Don't give in to their whining that they are hungry. They will be hungry at the next meal.

The temptation will be to give them a little snack to get them to stop whining. This will destroy any headway you have made.
They won't starve before lunch.

Read my books Have a New Kid by Friday, and the new edition of Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours (Coming Fall 2017).

Question #2 Brandon:

We have three kids age 11, 6, and 19 months. Now that the baby is here, the middle child is upset. She says things like, “You don't love me.”

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

This is a birth order issue. She is both a middle child, an oldest (because of the span between her and older child), and an only child (because of the gaps on either side of her). She can go any number of ways.

The key will be that you never pay off her “Dog and Pony show.”
When she declares, “You don't love me.”
You respond with a quick and decisive, “I am sorry you feel that way, but I don't feel that way.”
Don't carry on.
Look for opportunities at other times to show and tell her how much you love her.

 

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Food Fight in the Family (Episode 194)

Yep…the big FOOD FIGHT! One is a health nut, and the other…an idiot! We had a lot of fun with this hot topic! I think you will enjoy listening in…Don't miss it!

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Doug and Andrea have a food fight! Doug's value is the fun of junk food, and Andrea values healthy eating and staying fit.

You heard it right! They come from different kinds of homes with different expectations and backgrounds, and this leads to…fights at times!

 

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Parenting As a Coach; Bad Math Grades- Ask Dr. Leman 89 (Episode 193)

Are you ever in a position over other people’s children, but unable to parent them? Is your child REALLY failing in school? These are the two questions that Dr. Leman answers on this episode!

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Question #1 Coach Warner:

I coach 5 to 10 year old baseball players, but they can be out of control, climbing walls and standing on benches. Since I cannot use the same consequences I use at home, what tools can I use to get them to behave?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Yes, many of these kids come from undisciplined homes from the time they are infants. They are used to getting to do what they want.

This problem will be changed through the parents, not through the kids.

Call a required parent meeting where you will get to communicate to the parents what your expectations are for the team.
1. It is a privilege to play
2. Baseball is not a democracy, but what the coach says, goes!
3. The kids need to pay attention if they want to play, and not find themselves on the bench.

Question #2 Vicki:

My 13 year old daughter has a 15% in math right now. I have been staying out of it, but my daughter is REALLY failing and I finally had to step in, but her daughter turned on me! What should I do?

Remember that I have my report card published for all to see! I was a failing math student myself!

Here is a chance to encourage your daughter!
Enumerate her strong points and agree that math is not her strong suit. So, why exhaust herself over math?

Stay positive and find her a tutor, preferably a high school boy. That will get her attention and take you out of the fray. Have them meet at your house where you and the family are around.
Use other math helps like apps that are available.

And, remind her that you hate math too. Take the power out of it.

 

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When To Separate For The Sake Of The Kids (Episode 192)

Is there ever a point in a marriage where, for the sake of the kids, separating or divorcing would be the best at the present time? To find out, listen to today’s episode with Dr. Leman!

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Have things gotten so bad in your home that it feels like you are always fighting and there is no peace? Are the kids taking the brunt of it?
You may feel like separating would be best for the sake of the kids.

I have some questions for you:
1. Is there physical abuse involved?
2. Is there emotional abuse every day?
3. Has your spouse been unfaithful?
4. Have you considered how you are going to protect yourself and provide once you “jump off the cliff”?

There are a lot of significant factors to consider when separating like finances, what are the state laws, where will support come from, and most of all, is it really best for the kids?

Kids prefer to have their parents together even if there is fighting.

Ladies, you may want to read my little book Smart Women Know When to Say No.

Separation is not always the answer. Sometimes it may be. Be sure to consider all these questions carefully.

 

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Preventing An Emotional Basketcase; Losing Daughter To Grandma- Ask Dr. Leman 88 (Episode 191)

Are you worried about your child having emotional meltdowns at the smallest disturbances and going into “turtle mode?” Do you have a grandmother that your daughter is attached to more than you? Curious about how to handle the situations? Dr. Leman explains why on this episode!

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Question #1 Tyler:

I have a 5 year old daughter. I’m afraid that she may become an emotional basket case like my 13 year old niece. How do I overcome these seeds?

Girls thrive on communication. Some personalities will have a greater tendency toward emotional swings than others.

When the emotional bumps and bruises come along, they begin to melt down.

Tips:

1. Don't deny her feelings. Instead assure her, “This is no big thing.”
2. Don't feed the monster, instead say, “I know it is important to you,” but you step aside.
3. Don't offer solutions, instead say, “Honey, I am sure you can handle this.”

Question #2 Tess:

My four year old daughter throws a fit when it is time to return to my house after being with father and grandmother. Mom and new husband are rejected with rage and anger.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

I am dead against splitting a child between two homes. A child becomes like a turkey wish-bone, and then she or he pays for it.

You have two options in this scenario:
1. Take her, put her in her car seat, don't argue and make no fanfare.
2. Next time she throws this fit, leave her with them for the week. Let the family see how they feel about this. Let the reality of the situation become their teacher.

 

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How to Deal With The Dreaded In-Laws (Episode 190)

Is your relationship with your in-laws strained and you wonder how to handle awkward situations? In this episode Dr. Leman covers some practical things you can do to help let out some of the tension.

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Yes, there are plenty of strained in-law relationships out there. It is reality.

How do you best deal with these, and model a relationship you want to have with your kids someday when they are adults?

Watch out for the “should-er”!
The Should-er is the person who is always telling you what you should do better, differently, or now.

Have you ever tried this response?:

“Wow! You are the best! You are offering to clean up that flower bed? I was thinking about what we would do while you were here. That would be great! It is so kind of you to volunteer!”

Or maybe it is your mother-in-law who “shoulds” on your cooking.
“Great! I will have you take care of the birthday dinner! Just let me know if there is something you cannot find in the kitchen.”

Your Plan:
1. Be attentive.
2. Wait for the cheap shot.
3. Turn it around.
4. It will tame them when you put them to work.

 

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Hateful Adult Child; Advice Giving Grandparent- Ask Dr. Leman 87 (Episode 189)

Has your adult son or daughter turned against you and you lost relationship? How do you, or should you, help your child’s marriage? You asked and now Dr. Leman answers these two questions on today’s episode.

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Question #1 Kathy:

What do I do when my adult son turns heartlessly on us and tells us we are messing his life up? He was the veritable poster child who went to Bible college. He has cut off all relationship for a least a year. We have given him money for counseling and a down payment on a house.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

You are too good of a parent. You've been too kind and generous. By doing this the kid gets an unreal concept of himself.
There comes a time when he needs to cut the path for himself. Kids have to figure it out.

If this had been me, I would have responded by saying, “You won't be hearing from us again. We wish you the best in life.”

There is no reason you should have to deal with this hostage situation.
While he experiences not having Mom and Dad in his life, he may come around.

Question #2:

Our daughter is married to a man who appears to outsiders as a very fine man, but she has confided to us that he constantly criticizes her and puts her down at home. My husband just retired from pastoral ministry, and has helped many couples. Can my husband or both of us speak in love to our son-in-law?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Pastor, first of all, you know you can only help so much.
The danger with a man like this is that he could turn abusive in time, if not confronted.

There is one thing you could say in front of both of them. “I've heard you've been disrespectful to your wife. I've heard what a fine man you are, but I am disappointed how you treat your wife. You can do better.”

If he goes ballistic, I would let your daughter know she is safe at your home.

This is another instance where a blow-out is better than a slow leak.

 

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Lengthening Your Kid’s Leash (Episode 188)

Do you have a leash for you kid when you go to the zoo or other trips? What about a leash that isn't visible, but used regularly to keep them out of harm's way? If so, Dr. Leman teaches us how to use them in today's episode!

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What is it that develops your “psychological muscles?” How about those of your children?
Did you know that by keeping your kids on a short, “safe” leash, you are actually disabling them?
As it is, parents do too many things that their kids can do for themselves.

So, how much do I let my kids experience life?
A lot more than most of you are!

Kids need to have longer leashes and longer responsibilities in order to be ready to move into the world. It is through experiencing bumps and bruises that they will develop psychological muscles.

Here are some tips for you, parent:
1. Teach them to be streetwise.
2. Base their freedoms on the responsibility they show in the home.
3. Be their cheerleaders!

Now, you can watch them stretch their muscles…

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Demonic Pokemon; Reality Discipline- Ask Dr. Leman 86 (Episode 187)

Are your kids into Pokemon, but you are afraid to have them embrace it because it’s “demonic”? Do your kids compete at just about anything and even get a little mean? These are the two topics Dr. Leman addresses in today’s episode.

Questions

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Question #1 Leanne:

My seven year old son is into Pokemon, but we don't approve. Is Pokemon demonic? How do I keep my kids away from it?

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

My advice is to take this very casually. The more you push, the bigger the problem you get. This is the kind of thing that will pass; it is not a life-changer.

Question #2 Haley:

I have just finished reading Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, and I am wondering about reality discipline when it comes to competition and being unkind.

Dr. Leman’s Answer:

Kids are going to be competitive–especially boys, like you have! And remember, fighting is an act of cooperation! You will go nuts if you become Judge Judy for these kids. Both kids have contributed to the unrest.

Use a “thinking chair.”

When the instance of unkindness or competition comes up, put the kids in their “thinking chair” where they will have the needed time to think through their actions and words.

 

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Your Past Is A Predictor of Your Future (Episode 186)

What does it mean that your past is a good predictor of your future? Can you TRULY predict your future? How can you apply this in your life? Listen to today’s episode to hear what Dr. Leman has to say!

#186- Your past is a good predictor of the future

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Is it time to invent a new game plan? Are things not working out so well with your parenting game- plan?

Looking back is always a good way to see what you'll do in the future, but there is hope. You can make good changes in your parenting.

Change begins with you.
STOP
LOOK
LISTEN… to your interaction with your kids, your responses, your word choices.

The words you choose to use will alter the course of the relationship.

Listen to this podcast to hear examples of how to put this into practice!

If you are looking for more help after today's podcast, you should read, Have a New You by Friday.

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