043: Ask Dr. Leman 17 (Outcast Informer; Crazy Divorce Parenting)

“Mom, guess what, Joe just ate a piece of candy!”

Do you want to stop the informant cycle?

Do you struggle with the reality of two homes and two parenting styles with your ex?

Dr. Leman shares with wit and wisdom how to address both.

Questions

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Question #1: My child is the informant on her brother. The brother hates her for it. I wants her to stop. How do I stop her informant behavior?

Answer:

  • Talk to her about her future. Ask, “Does she want people to like her?” “Does she want people to hang out with her.” Remind her that no one likes a Narc. If she keeps this up, she will find herself without friends.
  • Say this to her:
    • I am upset that that you act as the informant.
    • You are acting as though you are the parent.
    • You are not God or the judge.
    • I never asked you to inform me.
    • I think less of you when you do this.
    • I can’t change this. You must change yourself.
    • Only time I want you to inform me is when there is a real health danger or someone’s safety is at risk.
  • New action plan for your daughter. Ask her to do this.
    • Count to ten, the next time she feels like informing me.
    • Ask yourself, should I tell Mom? Is this a health or safety issue?
    • I will be courageous enough to not tell mom.

 

Question #2:

I am remarried and my ex-wife is remarried. My ex-wife runs a loose parenting home. The rules at her house are not like the ones at my house. How do I help my 6 year old daughter hold to my standards, when my ex-wife is so different? How do I keep parenting consistent between the two homes?

Answer:

  • Why should a 6 year old go from house to house? Let her live in one home. She didn’t choose this, yet she is the one that has to bounce back and forth. Explore the option of your daughter living at one home.
  • As the father, you are the most important person to your daughter. Take time to know her and her world. Affirm her femininity.
  • Don’t bad mouth your ex or her home to your daughter. Don’t ask about the other home.
  • Go easy on giving her things. She needs you and your words of encouragement.

Announcement

The next session is on 3 No Brainer Ideas to Make Your Child a Successful Student. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)

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Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Andrea and Doug Terpening   Post by: Doug Terpening