My brain was screaming at me, “What in the world did my daughter just say to me? Doesn’t she realize all I have done for her?How could she possible say that?” BDL (before Doctor Leman), I would have defended myself and pointed out where my kid was wrong. Now, I used the 5 Magic Words Doctor Leman taught me. And it worked like magic.
LISTEN HERE
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
As a new father, I was given the suggestion to go out on dates with my kids, so I did. When we go out, it is usually to a local bakery called Maggie’s Buns in Forest Grove. Huge cinnamon rolls! While on the date, I have 4 questions I ask my kids. The 4th question is “What do you need from me, your Dad?” One of the kids laid it on me thick and heavy when I asked the 4th question. I was in full attack mode and about to shoot back when I stopped just long enough to say, “Tell me more about that.” What came next was amazing. The real issue and real need came out. Eventually, she cried. I cried. We hugged. We had an amazing conversation. If I hadn’t used the phrase, “Tell me more about that,” I would have blown it and run right over her.
What is “Tell me more about that”
- A phrase to be used with others when they say something that you strongly disagree with launches you into high emotion or when you need a moment to calm yourself.
What is the goal of “Tell me more about that?”
- You want to hear more from the person, so you can understand what they really mean and that they can see for themselves their incorrect thinking.
- Makes you able to listen to your kids and strengthen your relationship.
What happens when you say, “Tell me more about that”
- The kids interpret that to mean you are listening to them.
- It communicates you respect them. They don’t get defensive and can open up.
Why “Tell me more about that” works
- It is an invitation for them to keep talking.
- It gives them a safe place to share more. You are replacing accusing words with words of interest.
Similar phrases
- “That’s an interesting idea”
- “Give me your opinion”
Authoritarian Parents will struggle because:
- It feels like you, the parent, are going soft on the kid
- You think you are giving your kid permission by listening to their crazy comments
Permissive Parents will struggle because:
- You want to make sure your kid is always happy and these are hard words
- You want your kid to believe that you are always here for them and their world is central.
Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer
Tell Me More About That
Announcement
The next session is on Ask Dr Leman. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)
Your Feedback
If you have an idea for a podcast or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in getting the word out! Thanks. Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening