“Shut Up! In fact, #$&@$# is how I feel about you!” yelled Sidney into her mother’s face. She stared her down and walked out. What was her mother to do? Dr. Leman shares his pocket phrase, “Without a Relationship, we have nothing” for those parents struggling with broken child relationships.
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Josh McDowell said, “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.” Dr. Leman has seen that played out in hundreds of families.
How an Authoritarian parent looks at “Without a relationship, we have nothing.”
“My kids obey me and therefore, I have a relationship”, says the authoritarian parent. If you base your relationship on rules with your kids, research says, they will eventually rebel. And when they do rebel, it will be big time rebellion.
How a Permission parent looks at “Without a relationship we have nothing.”
“I must have done something to upset my child, therefore I need to figure out how to make them happy,” says the permissive parent. They are must keep giving the kids stuff to keep them happy. At some point, the child will simply rear up and demand the impossible. Then the relationship is broken.
Is this manipulation?
Is it manipulating to say to your kids without a relationship we have nothing? No, says Dr. Leman. He encourages us to point that if we have lived together for 15 years and don’t have a relationship, we don’t have the most important thing.
ROLE PLAY
At age 15 years of age, Sidney, cusses her mother outs, flips her off and walks out the door to her boyfriends house in direct defiance to her mother. What actions can the mother take with the reality that they don’t have a relationship.
- Realize, you, the mother, aren’t the psychological punching bag for your daughter.
- This is allowed out of guilt and fear of losing the relationship. Mom is the adult here and at fault, because she has allowed this for years.
- Give Sidney the Bread and Water treatment or lots of Vitamin N, No. You won’t give her money for lunch. You won’t drive her to school. You won’t buy her anything.
- Sidney will go ballistic, like never before, because you have hooked her like a sport fish. She will do whatever to fight you to get off the hook. She will make life hell in the home.
- The explosion show that you the parent are on the right track. Remind yourself you are on first base.
- This will not end quickly, because of the many years it was allowed.
- If you give in, you will only reinforce that she runs the house and you are her maid servant. Stay strong.
Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer
Without a Relationship We Have Nothing
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Podcast by: Dr. Kevin Leman with Doug & Andrea Terpening Blog: Doug Terpening