In this episode of Ask Dr. Leman, he answers questions about a 4 year old that fights putting on his PJs and what to do with the “forgetful” kids.
LISTEN HERE
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
Question #1 Audio
Hi, Dr. Leman. I have a four year old boy and a seven month old baby. Sometimes after the bath, when I ask my four year old to please put his pajamas on while I get ready to also go to bed and get the baby ready to go to bed. I say, “Please put your pajamas on. You do some things, I do some things, and then we read books together before going to bed.” He does not want to do it and he says that he needs help. He does not really need help. But I think that he wants the attention because I am with the baby. What is the best way to approach it? Should I give him consequences? Should I not give him consequences? Because it seems to me like it is more like jealousy and attention that he wants so I do not know what to do.
Dr. Leman’ Answer:
Listen, you came to the right place. I love your question. It came from a Mama’s heart if there ever was one. Number one, let us start with the four year old. He is has heard loudly the footsteps of that seven month old baby. You would make a great psychologist because you sort of got this figured out. He just wants Mommy’s attention.
He does not want you to spend any unnecessary time with the thing. The thing gets enough attention just because the thing is a baby. He is saying, “What about me?” There is a couple of things you can do. Number one: Since you are a smart parent and you do a little story time and all that, you want to teach him to be obedient.
Now, you do not hear that word out of my mouth a lot. But it is really important for kids to learn to obey Mom and Dad. It is how you make them obey is what I usually have issues with parents. I would suggest that, again, in rhyme with what I teach parents tell them once. You can tell them to have your jammies on.
You can also do this at a discussion the next morning if you want because I am going to tell you what is going to happen. If you do what I say, there is going to be a huge hassle. But I would rather have a big hassle, a big blow out and then follow it up with some honest communication the next day and see where that leads us.
This is what I would suggest. He knows he is supposed to put on his jammies. Number one, is it necessary for a kid to sleep in jammies? Let us take that one on. No, it is not. But if that is what you prefer and that is what you are used to, that is fine. Personally, I sleep well, I would not even go in there. That is too much of a word picture. Let us just say I am not a fan of jammies.
But when the jammies are not put on after you attend the baby and get the baby down, put the four year old in bed without any stories. Just put them in bed and let them know you are very unhappy that pajamas are not on his body. Close the door and hold it. In all probability, 99 to one, he is going to try to come out of that room because number one he is very unhappy because Mom is unhappy.
I want him to be unhappy at this point. Just hold the door, he is going to scream like a stuck pig. That might mean he wakes up the baby. It might mean it is a great inconvenience because you would really like to watch your favorite TV show that is about to start in five minutes. But I suggest you do not say one word, let him kick the door.
Whatever he is going to do, do not respond to it at all. When he is quiet, open the door slowly. I say slowly because he is behind it, in all probability, with his blankie tucked under his arm. At this point, this is a very teachable moment because he is freaking out because he could not get out of his room. But now, his eyes are open, his ears are open, his heart is open so to speak. It is a teachable moment.
You can tell him on no uncertain terms how unhappy you are and that he is going to stay in this room. “But Mommy, my jam–” “Honey, I do not care about your pajamas. You need to stay in this room. Mommy is very unhappy. Good night.”
Now again, there is no story, there is no prayers, there is no anything. The routine has been broken. He will freak out over that. Eventually, he is going to go to sleep. He is probably going to cry himself to sleep and feel sorry for himself and everything else.
So next morning round two. You look him in the eye and say, “I am very unhappy with what happened last night. You know you are supposed to put your jammies on. From now on, when I start getting the baby ready, I want to see you in your pajamas with your teeth brushed. Understood?” Yes, Mommy. And let us see what happens that night.
In other words, you follow up the strong discipline. That is what you are doing, you are disciplining your kid for not doing what you asked them to do. You can change that literally within 24 hours.
I wrote books like Have a New Kid by Friday, Have a New Teenager by Friday”, Have a New You by Friday, Have A New Husband by Friday. I always say that those book titles are scams because quite frankly, you can have a new anything within 48 hours, in this case, within 24 hours.
It just means state your case, showing him that you are firm holding that door, you are not going to give in, you are not going to say one word no matter what he is screaming and yelling about, or kicking the door. Not one word. You do not open the door until he is quiet. And then he will negotiate like a Philadelphia attorney by the way to mommy, just leave the door open, a little bit of my night light on. Whatever.
Fine, he will be able to do that. You just stay in bed. And if you get out bed again, repeat as necessary. The kid will learn pretty soon that it just does not pay off to fight Mama on such issues as putting on your jammies. Why should you have to tell him every night to put his jammies on? That is my whole point.
Question #2
We have implemented the Leman plan. Many things are improving, but we are still having consistent “forgets”. Money does not seem to be a motivator here, but not being allowed to have screen time seems to works much better. My question is when children forget, we implement B does not happen until A is complete and then things get done. But I am wondering if we are doing this right. I am not sure how to put it, but I am wondering if disallowing screen time altogether the following day is appropriate as a consequence rather than B does not happen until A because it still happens consistently. Is this kids just challenging again or how long does it take for them to re-learn?
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
Forgetting is purposive behavior. It serves a purpose in the kid’s life to say, “I forgot.” They did not forget. They are all con artists. Are you kidding me? They do not forget things they really want to do, do they? What I am saying is it is called training which means you repeat it.
To answer your question, he is testing are you for real, are you going to weaken because you have weakened before. You have a track record that says, if you are like most parents that if I just whine enough and complain enough, you will finally tire like a game fish who has been on the line for an hour. Even the gamest fish will tire.
Some kids have strong constitutions. They are more like salmon who can run up the stream and go the opposite way of the flow with great proficiency. I would just say repeat as necessary, but do not get angry, do not get upset. Just keep in mind that forgetting is purposive behavior.
To put it bluntly, they are a lying dog. They are trying to work it. “Honey, if you want to believe that, you can believe that you forgot it. I thoroughly believe that you just decided to test my metal. And you can see that my metal is pretty strong.”
Doug: The more that a child has gotten away with something, the more they are going to challenge us. And the longer it is going to be to re-train them or–
Dr. Leman: Right. He is like the lab rat that keeps running down the T-maze and he hangs a left hand turn. Every time he turns left, he has always gotten a pellet. All of a sudden the experimenter will say, “Let us not feed him anymore when he turns left.”
How many more times will that rat run that maze and turn left? Forever. I mean, really. There’s hundreds of times before they catch on that the pellet just might be the other end of the T. Do you see what I am saying?
And once they understand after 249 runs to the left, “I think I will just go down to this other end.” Then all of a sudden a pellet drops in front of them. Even a rat says, “Wow, I was stupid. 249 runs down the left and now I have discovered they have hidden that over there in the right. I get it.” Next time he runs down, where does he go? In all probability, he is going to hang a right, not a left.
That is what you have to keep in mind. It is like the plaque on your teeth. It builds slowly, but you really need to really turn that around. You have to have a cleaning. You have to have an event. Sometimes, those events are what I call pulling a rug out and letting a little buzzer tumble. When kids understand that this game no longer works with Mom or Dad, then they go in a different direction.
Doug: One quick question. It implies here that she also has been using money as a motivator. If we mix things up where we throw some rewards or punishments in there how much does that set us back?
Dr. Leman: It sets you back immediately. It puts you in the donkey and carrot category. Again, if kids get good grades, or do homework or whatever, do you really want to flip them money? Is that really the best way? I do not think so. I think you want kids to really enjoy their efforts.
A parent is so smart to say, “You know honey,” And this is at dinner time, “I was thinking about you today at work. The fact that you are diligent, you come home and you do your homework and do it well. Mom or Dad is not standing over you and asking you if you have finished yet, I just think that is so cool. You are growing up. You are a responsible person. I cannot wait to see what you do in life.”
That is vitamin E. What are you saying? You are saying, as a parent, I am observing how you do in life at this stage, at 10, 11, 12, years of age. And I just cannot wait to see how well you are going to do in life because wow, you are a responsible person. You flip them that encouragement, that vitamin E. Every kid needs a good dosage of vitamin E every day. Look for things where you can encourage your kids.
Announcement
The next session is on How to deal with defiance. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)
Your Feedback
If you have an idea for a podcast or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help tremendously in getting the word out! Thanks.