What parent hasn’t heard the dreaded whining for more milk, the car keys, the iPad, or other demands? Here is a startling fact: They whine because it is working for them to get you to perform for them. Dr Leman shares how to stop the whining.
You have the ability to stop your kids’ whining. The key is to become deaf to it. Ignore whining. Don’t give in to it. And, guess what? They will stop using whining.
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Podcast Transcript
Doug: You have already heard us talk about it. We are going to be talking about whining. Andrea, you have got a pretty good story about whining. Let us jump back into it.
Andrea: We did used to have a sign in the kitchen window for me that said, “Whining is an automatic no.” Like I said it was for me. To remind me that if I heard that whining that I was supposed to say no right away. But it is not always easy.
Dr. Leman: Well, I think you just taught me something. I think automatic no would be just something great for a parent to say as soon as a kid starts whining, automatic no. Not even just no, automatic no. The kids continue to whine. Why? Because it pays off.
Andrea: Yeah, they get what they want.
Dr. Leman: And the problem is, let us face it. Do you ever play whack-a-mole? Do you ever to go to an amusement park and play whack-a-mole? These little things pop up and you whack one and before you get the one really whacked, the other one is popping up. That is how parents feel on a bad day because they are unionized. If it is not one kid, it is the other.
If it is late at night and they are overtired, they are going to whine. I let them whine at the moon. I have no problem with putting a whiner outside. I have no problem with putting a whiner in a wine cellar it’s a perfect place for them. Every parent probably needs a wine cellar just to show kids that, you know, let them have their whining. I just do not want to hear it.
Doug: Whining is one of the most amazing things that we deal with, isn’t it?
Dr. Leman: Andrea looks like she is dying to say something.
Andrea: I am wondering. Do kids kind of get fun out of whining?
Dr. Leman: Sure.
Andrea: Is it fun for them? How do we take that fun out of that whining for them so they will change this habit?
Dr. Leman: Alright. You know me. I like to think a little bit out of the box. What would happen if next time one of your kids whined? That you would just whine back.
Andrea: No.
Dr. Leman: I do not want to help you do anything because I am your whiny mother. And your father is a whiner, too.
Doug: I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it.
Dr. Leman: You take the sting out of the air. I have, in private practice years ago, a kid who woke up in the middle of the night and he would just scream. Four years old, he just wakes up and he is screaming all night. The parents were beside themselves. They tried everything. They went in some psychologist told them to go in and just pat his back and settle him down.
And then every ten minutes and as he is screaming, go in and pat him down so much. That was the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. All you are doing is paying off the screaming. We were sitting around as a family and I would love to tell you that I came up with this idea, but it was one of the other siblings who said, “What would happen if I scream back?” And I said, “Whoa, you gave me a great idea. What would happen if we all scream back, the whole family?”
One night, everybody screamed back. That was last peep we heard out of this kid. And it worked. If it works, I vote for it. Again, sometimes kids stumble upon a behavior that gets a reaction from you. Not a response, a reaction. And he goes, “Oh, that was sort of fun. I think I will try that again.”
It is like the kid that is 19 months of age. You are a young mom, Andrea and you look down the hallway into the john, and your little son, little Fletcher is sitting on the big potty. Not the little Wal-Mart potty, okay? Not the little plastic training thing. He is on the big potty that says “Eljur” on the back of it.
You walk over there and you look down, the kid is 19 months old. You look down on the toilet and there is a little five and a half incher floating down there. You yell for your husband, “Douglas, come here! Douglas, come here!”
Notice it is Douglas and not Doug. This is an emergency. Douglas goes over and looks down in the toilet and says, “Oh, hey. Good going there, buddy. That is really something. Hey, good going there.” Now, little Fletcher is just 19 months of age. What is he thinking? He is thinking, “Whoa. They are really big on that I guess, huh? Hmm.
This might be an interesting way to demand all kinds of attention.” So many times this is a kid who goes from quick toilet training to regression.
Doug: Why?
Dr. Leman: Well, because he got so much attention for such an easy, natural thing. Kids will pick out like you pick cherries or peaches off a tree these little gems that seemed to work.
Andrea: So now, he expects to get that attention every single time he uses the potty?
Dr. Leman: Yes, but he can do it in defiant ways. “What would happen if I decided to do that little five and a half incher in that waste basket over there?” I do not make these things up. These are things that kids do sometimes. If a kid goes potty for the first time and you stumble upon that, just a little pat.
Andrea: You just act like it is normal.
Dr. Leman: Yeah.
Andrea: Wow, you are getting to be a big boy.
Dr. Leman: You are a big boy. Wow, big boy. But it is the most natural thing in the world to what? Go potty, to fall asleep, and to eat. What do parents struggle with? Eating, getting kids to go to sleep, and potty training. They have battles over it.
Andrea: No sticker charts for the bathroom? What would you say about it?
Dr. Leman: No sticker charts. If you are a sticker chart person, I am here to tell you, I am on the witness stand. Okay, Leman put your hand up. Do you swear to God to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? I do. Kids love stickers. Kids love little reinforcements. I am here to tell you they work for a while and that is the problem.
The problem with those kinds of rewards is you are right back to the traditional way of bringing up kids, based on reward and punishment which we have all kinds of evidence to say it does not work. By the way, if you are person of faith, that certainly is not reflective of God’s teaching.
God’s teaching is that you obey your parents. Your parents have an authority over you. Not as an authoritarian, not as a permissive, but an authoritative parent. So, we do not need stickers. The pay off for the kid is I helped. I gave back to the family. I was responsible. I was kind. I was compassionate. I was helpful.
Andrea: So, we just tell them you are responsible. You are kind.
Dr. Leman: Yeah. Go back to the potty good job. Do not overdo it. It is like the kid who goes four for four in a Little League game. Do you immediately tell him he is going to be in the Big someday and you are so proud of him? Oh my goodness, do you blue smoke him?
Or do you say, “Wow. I liked how you really enjoyed playing out there today. All that hard practice is really paying off. Four for four, good job.” Now, here is the key. I bet that makes you feel good inside.
Doug: We have got to do one of these on rewards and punishment and the idea of are they a member of the family. Because we did the sticker charts with varying degrees of success. Everybody did the sticker chart.
Dr. Leman: In many ways, it is a great way to get kids to focus on the chores they have to do.
Doug: But the reality is it had no impact on when our kids learned how to go potty.
Dr. Leman: It runs its course.
Doug: Yup.
Dr. Leman: It runs its course. It will not last long time. So, why not try to get kids to internalize the attitude that I am a member of this family? Now, we started off talking about whining. Let us go back to whining.
Andrea: Yeah, I was just going to say. They develop a habit probably by whining and they get Mom to come scratch their back every time they scream or whatever. Pretty soon, they are probably not even thinking about their whining anymore because it is just a habit and they know they are going to get your reaction.
Dr. Leman: Let me ask you a question. Do you think it is possible to rear children who would never cry?
Doug: No.
Andrea: That seems unhealthy.
Dr. Leman: Right. Most people would say it is impossible to do that. There was a tribe of Native American Indians who taught their children not to cry on the hunt. When a kid would begin to show the signs of the tears are coming, they simply cut off the ear passage for a few seconds and a kid learned really quickly, well, I guess that is not something you do.
What I am saying is you can literally train a kid to do anything. I always say with tongue and cheek, “You know there are some similarities in bringing a puppy home and training a puppy and bringing up a kid.” I am just saying that you can teach a kid to be a whiner. You can teach a kid to be argumentative.
How do you teach a kid to be argumentative? By arguing back. It takes two. Fighting is an act of cooperation. Some of these basic principle that people who listen to us will get sick of them in many ways, B does not start until A gets completed. Say it once, turn your back, and walk away. These are all action related things.
Do not start habits that you do not want to have continued throughout your kid’s college education.
Doug: Unfortunately, all parents have allowed whining, I have encouraged it, and now I want to stop it. The practical action step that parents can walk away with this time is–
Dr. Leman: Become father deaf, become mother deaf to all whining.
Doug: And just ignore it totally.
Dr. Leman: Talk to the hand. Not interested. Think you can handle it. Goodbye. Automatic no. Come up with anything that works for you. It is tourist to the point and you do not engage in battle because that kid, when you start to shut him off, will go to great lengths to makes sure he is noticed.
Doug: The tip here is walk away, ignore it–
Dr. Leman: Disengage.
Doug: Disengage and shut it down.
Dr. Leman: I love the automatic no. I think I am going to steal it and put it in book.
Andrea: Go for it.
Dr. Leman: Automatic no.
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