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077 Ask Dr. Leman Transcript

Andrea:             All right Dr. Leman, we have got some questions for you. I am going to start off with a question from Sandra. This is titled Why Do My Teenage Girls Fight So Much? We have dealt with a lot of questions about younger kids. Here is a teenager one.

She says, “Our girls, since they were little, have always fought and I have tried almost everything. My husband thought that when they got older, they would just change. And they have not.

They are 16 and 14 years old and every single day they fight. Unfortunately, they have come to the extreme of beating on each other. I am extremely sad because of this. We do need help. What can we do?”

Dr. Leman:       Pardon my laughing. Having reared four daughters and having coached girls basketball, that is interesting isn’t it. Number one: What you have to understand is this two kids deserve each other. Let us start on a happy note. These two miserable creatures who choose to fight with each other, and again, I just want to emphasize choosing to fight.

One of the reasons they fight is to get you guys needlessly involved in their hassles. As parents, you are probably like most parents who try to make things even and fair. That is your first mistake.

Make things uneven and very unfair. The first one rules, the first one gets to stay up later, the first one gets more allowance. Do not be afraid to treat your kids differently.

Now, the next time they do their re-enactment of the 1812 war or Custer’s Last Stand, I want you to follow through on a very simple Leman principle that is found in the book Have a New Kid by Friday but it permeates the teenagers as well. That is B does not start until A gets completed or dealt with.

If there is a skirmish in the morning such as, you went out wearing my red sweater and brought it home in a heap. Well, you put a spot in my blue skirt. And blah blah blah.

Again, I am a parent. I have heard those conversations in our own home. As soon as they start their dog and pony show, just listen to it. Yes, listen to it. When it is over, whatever is supposed to happen is not going to happen.

You are nowhere in sight, one of them is going to come in the house and scream and yell at you and say, “Mom, we need to leave. We are going to be late for school.” And you are going to say, “You are not going to school today.” Now again, right there, they are going to swear you just lost it. What did Mom say? Mom said I am not going to school today.

“Yeah, you are not. You are not going anywhere until the problem is solved.” “What problem are you talking about?” “The problem I just listened to for seven and a half minutes when you two were screaming at each other. Now, you get back here in this house right now and after you solve the problem and after you have satisfied me that the problem is solved to my satisfaction will I drive you to school.”

“Well, listen. If you are going to be that way, I am not going to school.” “Okay, fine. It is your school, not mine. I will be happy to write a note that says that you have chosen to skip school today. Or better yet, I will send them an e-mail. Or even better than that, I will call if you would like. So it seems to me rather than waste time, you guys got some work to do. Like I said, get in the house now.”

That is how I would handle it. That is taking the bull by the horns, you are rolling the dice a little bit depending upon how powerful your children are, but nevertheless, you are either going to bring this thing to an abrupt end or it is going to slow leak itself.

Like your husband said, “Sooner or later, they are going to get along.” “Yeah, but 25 is a long time off.” If you want to shortcut that by nine years, I would suggest you do some rope pulling of your own in your own home.

Doug:                That is really good to say, are we going to deal with it now? Or are we going to wait until they are 25?.  I am about to burst out laughing in the microphone because it is so true. I see it with my kids already.

Dr. Leman:       Well, listen. Feel free to burst out laughing because people need to know that Terpenings, by the way, would you spell Terpening for our people again?

Andrea:             It is T-E-R-P-E-N-I-N-G.

Dr. Leman:       It is just not a name you hear every day, Terpening. But the Terpenings have children and they are parents so I am giving them full authority and license to laugh in the mic as we talk because we are in this thing together. We are just in different stages.

For those parents who struggle, and I hear from you young moms all the time. You want to do the right thing, you are worried about your kid, you love your kid, you would take a bullet for them. I understand that. But you got to understand the nature of kids.

I think that is why the Leman books have thrived so much in the marketplace because they make sense, they are based on authority without being an authoritarian, they say in essence of God did not put me on this Earth for you to run over me.

Our home is our home. We do not have to listen to this continual battle every morning. It gets old on all of us. But I’ll start holding the kids accountable and you will see a change in their behavior. They might still fight, but they may not fight within your shot of view. I cannot guarantee you they won’t fight.

Doug:                You got another one?

Andrea:             Alright. I have another question for you, Dr. Leman, from Aliyah. She is a single mom and she is telling me here that she has a boyfriend. She has a four year old and she says that she is thinking about getting engaged but knows from your advice, that she should not introduce the daughter to the boyfriend until they are engaged.

Now that they are getting close to engagement, she wants to seek your help on finding the right words to say since her daughter is four and sometimes has been asking her if she and her dad are husband and wife. Aliyah says she gets speechless because she does not know what to tell her daughter about the relationship between her and her father.

Dr. Leman:       Number one, I hope you are not living together. If you are, you are stacking a deck against yourself. If you are living apart and this guy comes over to the house, and yes you must have read my books because I say, hey, listen. Do not bring in this guys around. It is not a good idea to date, number one. Not even a good idea to date when you got kids and you are single.

The best idea is to let those kids grow up in your single parent home, be the best mom or dad you are able to be, be consistent, love your kids, have high expectations, and your kid has got a halfway decent shot at doing okay in life. That is number one.

But now, we are in a situation where you do have a relationship with this guy, you are about to be engaged, and I say in my book, “You bring the guy around when you have something on your finger that cuts glass.” Make sure it cuts glass. You do not want a zerk. When that point comes, you can begin to talk about the fact that “We are going to get married.”

Now, there is practical things like, what do you call Mommy’s boyfriend? Is your daughter or son going to call him by his first name? Is he going to be Dad?  There is all different ways that can go, but you guys have to figure that out. It should be as natural as it can be.

At the wedding, it would be very appropriate to have your daughter be a flower girl or whatever, have them participate in the wedding. It is a whole new journey, but you have to remember that your child is not your husband’s. That is very important to know from the get-go.

You are the one that has final authority, final say on what happens to your son or your daughter. You walk slowly. I would caution you before that ring goes on your finger to really take a look at each other’s lives, look at the families that you came out of.  Because if you and your husband-to-be get married, there is at least six people, maybe eight people, or ten people who are being married at that ceremony.

Now, why would I say that? Because you marry the family of the bride and the groom. There is lot of rocks to be turned over. I would be very careful about marrying a man who has a temper because that equals control. I would be very careful to marry a man who does not have a good track record of relationships with the opposite sex that were all positive. In other words, does this guy have a great relationship with his mom, with his grandma, with his sister?

If those things do not turn up with a green flag, then I would back off immediately. I would take your time, you did not say in your note if you were divorced or you had these children as being a single woman. But whatever the situation is, this is time for you to make sure that you do not make another mistake.

And that you approach this upcoming marriage in an honorable, respectful, and Godly way is I may say so. It ensures your best shot at a happy marriage.

Doug:                Dr. Leman, for her question about how do you introduce your daughter to this gentleman-to-be?

Dr. Leman:       Well, he is around. They are almost engaged so he is around. She is saying, in your book, you do not bring him around but we are almost engaged. So, I am assuming this guy is around. When you first introduce him, if that is the question, “This is Mommy’s friend, Allan.” Allan keeps coming around and when the ring goes on the finger, guess who gets told first? Little daughter or son.

“Honey, look at this. Look at what Mommy has got.” “Oh, that is a pretty ring.” “This is what they call an engagement ring.  Do you know what an engagement means?” “No.” “Engagement means that Mommy is going to be married. You know Allan, the guy who comes over here once in a while now? We are going to live together in the same house.”

You got to remember, a kid’s world is small. As soon as you say “He is going to live in this house.” A young kid could be thinking, “Oh, no. He is going to take over my bedroom. He is going to sleep with my Dolly.” They are kids.

You have to take time to explain things that mommy and Allan will live in this room right here. You will live in this room. The dog will continue to sleep here.

Again, keep in mind that their world is small. All they want to know is, is this change going to impact your love for me? Because kids are very insecure. Do not overdo it, but reassure the kid that, we are going to do things together. We are going to do some fun things together as a family. Use the term family. Allan is a part of the family now, blah blah blah.

You introduce it as matter of fact as you can. I think so many times, as people, we see these life changes and we freak out and make a big thing about it. It is not a big thing. You do not need to make it a big thing. It is two people who have fallen in love.

Again, I gave you all the warning signs. Two people who have fallen in love and they are going to be married forever. That is the hope for this marriage. But it will only be a marriage that survives if you two are on the same page, and that you have a very compassionate husband because when a man comes into a situation where there is “somebody else’s kid”, that is a tough one for many a man.

You got to be a pretty special man to really love you and love your child. I have to make sure that man that I call Allan just for the conversation measures up to those areas. If he does not, I would not walk down the flowers strewn aisle.

Doug:                Thanks.

Andrea:             Thank you, Dr. Leman. I just want to add here that Aliyah said, “You are my favorite psychologist. Thank God for your life testimony and all your help through especially the single parenting books.”

Dr. Leman:       Oh, yeah. That single parenting book it is a good book. If you are a single parent, you are going in alone I know there is nobody in the bullpen. If you are ever looking for a book that makes sense to you, trust me, this one will make sense. It is called Single Parenting That Works.

Andrea:             Great, thank you. We have one more question today. This comes from Stephanie and she says, “What do you do for kids that interrupt? We have a seven year old daughter that constantly interrupts us. She knows she is not supposed to, but she still does. Thank you.”

Dr. Leman:       Little Stephanie the interrupter is not only an attention getter she is saying, notice me, notice me, notice me. But she is also a powerful child because it is hard not to notice a kid who constantly interrupts. If you want to end it this is what I want from you. I want you to ask yourself the question, do I really want to end this or not? If the answer is yes, I can guarantee you how to end it.

The very next time she interrupts, and hopefully it is a cold, rainy evening. Take her by the hand, take her to the backdoor of your home, put her outside, close and lock the door. You only have to do that for 30 seconds, 60 seconds. You can walk over and say, “Are you ready to come in now?” By that time, she might be freaking out which is great.

If she is freaking out all the better. Dr. Leman is applauding if she is freaking out. I want her to freak out because I want her to understand how totally inappropriate it is for her to interrupt a conversation that you have with another human being. We always say, “Take time for training.” This is what I am talking about. We are talking about training.

Just like a puppy. If you want to train a puppy, how would you train a puppy? If the dog made a mess in the house, the best thing you do would be to what? Pick up the puppy, put him outside, before long, the puppy learns oh, I see. I go potty outside.

Your daughter is going to learn if she interrupts, she is going to end up outside. Again, there is no warnings, there is no halfway putting her out there, there is no threatening to put her out there. You either put her out there or you do not.

But if you want to end it, put her out. A few times of that, I guarantee you she will be much more tuned in to when it is appropriate for her to speak. You can even teach her such things as putting her hand up such as you would in school. Then you acknowledge her and then she can say what she wants to say.

Doug:                Super.

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