We fall in love. Get married. Go on a Honeymoon. Then that precious baby comes along. This baby that you dreamed of holding. You feel a depth of love towards your baby the first time you hold them that is indescribable.
You take them home from the hospital and very quickly the realities of being a parent start. You start looking for the instruction manual. You desire to love and bring this kid up the best you can. Yet, there is a hidden obstacle that is going to hinder your parenting. This obstacle can be overcome. This obstacle is your past. Your past is a good predictor of the future.
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You have probably said, “I will never say that to my child, when I am a parent” or “I will never do that to my child”. Then you get into the stress and busyness of parenting and not only the same words, but the same tone is used.
Why?
Our past is all we really know. And it is deeply ingrained in us. Dr. Leman shares how our past affects our parenting and what we can do to change.
Here are some of highlights from the podcast.
- You are a product of your past. We willing to look at your past to know what you want to change.
- You won’t change without intentional actions by you.
- The first step to change is to want to change and believe you can change.
- The second step is to visual you acting different and saying different words.
- The final step is you actually saying the different words.
- Beware of continuing the flaw picker family traits, as they will destroy your relationship.
- If you didn’t get much encouragement as a kid, learn to give lots of Vitamin E, encouragement, to your kids.
- If you were shamed as kid, you most likely are parenting out of guilt. Guilt is the source for most of the bad parenting in the world.
Below is the transcript from the podcast, which is also part of Step 1 in Dr. Leman’s training on how to lay a great foundation for new parents. Click HERE for more information on the training.
Doug: So we’re going to be doing a new miniseries here with Dr. Leman that we are super excited from because as parents of teenagers and a couple of elementary kids we wish we would have had more foundational information when we started. So that we wouldn’t be correcting the problems that we’re trying to correct now with a 13 year old, which is really too late, to be honest, but we’re trying to do it.
So, Dr. Leman, today we’re going to be talking about “How do you set a great foundation”. This is for people who are pregnant, these are people who have young children, and honestly, it’s for some of us old-timers who can look back and say, “Man, I missed that. I want to add that back in here.” And one of the things you’ve said in the past that we want to cover is “Your past is a great predictor of the future.” What does that mean?
Dr. Kevin: Well, it is when you think about it. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. The kind of family you grew up in has an awful lot to do with the kind of parent you’re going to be. When that little 19 1/2 incher gets laid across you breast mom, and you count the fingers and toes, and you notice that little lip is just quivering. I mean you instantly fall in love with your baby.
Not that you didn’t fall in love with the baby when he was or she was inside of you, but there is a reality. You’re looking at that kid and I think you are overcome with the emotion of the gift of life. It’s a wonderful experience.
But you know, the lactation nurse, she was supposed to see you before you left the hospital but your insurance company decided to throw you out after 18 hours of giving birth and you never did get to be with her, that is the lactation nurse. And now you’re at home, in your apartment, or in your new home with this completely innocent, totally dependent little bean. And what do you do now?
And that’s where it starts and it’s an awesome experience and if you’re like most parents, you’re going to over-react to most of the things that goes on with that little child. Every little whimper or cry, you’re going to attend to. You’re going to do the best possible job you can do, but you know what, looking back at my own life and dealing with all the couples and parents I have over the years, I would tell that young parent, enjoy this ride. You can do this.
Your kid is not going to die. You’re going to feed them, either by breast or by bottle. Things are going to be okay. Kids need a lot of tactile stimulation, lot of holding, talking to, cueing back and forth, and whatever. And that little boy or little girl is going to grow, and they’re going to grow in leaps and bounds.
And before long they’re rolling over, they’re sitting up, and you’re going to see this little personality in them. Now keep in mind that every child has a temperament. Some kids are laid back like a manatee other kids seem to be fighting back like a badger in a corner. Okay, so you’ve got all these idiosyncrasies that this little child is wired. They came pre-wired with some things. But here’s what you have to understand, your interaction with that child is going to outweigh all those things that that kid wired for.
And this goes back to the family you grew up in and if you were subject to your father or your mother’s critical eye. Were they the flaw picker, were they a perfectionist, and were they a negative person or positive person?
As I’ve said many times, when two people walk down the aisle, it’s not two people getting married, it’s at least 6. If you came out of a blended family, it’s at least 10 people getting married. Meaning you reap the benefit of the good teaching or you pay for the bad teaching that happened in that family.
All these things come together to influence how you’re going to parent this child. So when this little guy or little girl gets to be about 18 months of age they’re going to experience what sheer power is all about. I’m the author of a book called “Parenting Your Powerful Child”. It’s like the light switch gets put on at 18 months, if your child’s a little advanced in the power department, about 15 months.
They can arch their back with the best of them. Just try to get them into that highchair or try to get them out of it. They can contort their body in such a way that before long you find yourself in a contest of wills with a kid.
So, again, temper tantrums – don’t respond to them, okay. Don’t create the powerful child. Realize it’s a toddler, that toddler is going to put anything in their mouth, safety-proof your home, have nothing within reach of that child that can be harmful to them. That’s very, very, very important. But you also have to understand this — dirt does not kill.
Let me repeat this–Dirt does not kill. And a little ankle-biter will put dirt in her mouth. They’ll play with anything. They get sticky hands. Mom, you will get so good at taking care of this little guy or little girl. You’re going to appreciate such things as wet wipes. Wet wipes are going to be your best friend for the first 3 years of your child’s life.
So, again, dirt doesn’t kill, okay. Your kid needs a lot of affirmation, a lot of tactile stimulation, don’t overdo the word ‘no’, very important. Most parents anesthetize their kids with the word ‘no’. They don’t even hear it by age 2, so don’t do that. When a kid is doing something inappropriate, physically pick them up and remove them from the scene. Lots of smiles, lots of cuddles, and a lot of talking to.
Picture books, they have little books for little kids that are not even able two- they’re a year old, they’re a year and a half old, but you begin to show the kids, “See the ball.” Get kids to enjoy books, books are very, very important. As a shrink I can tell you, I’ve dealt with many, many homework hassles, school related problems.
My first question is usually, “Does your child read?” “Oh, she loves to read but she gets terrible grades.” You know what? All of a sudden I’m not interested so much in the terrible grades, I’m just so pleased to know she what? She reads. So you’ve got a kid who’s a reader and you want to encourage kids to read right off the bat. You do so using those little cloth books that are available for the little, really little ankle-biters.
So that’s just a few thoughts off the top of my head. As you start out this great journey toward being a good parent. Okay? You are the psychological blankie, so to speak, for your son or your daughter. And you can get through this.
You’re not the first parent to ever give birth. Okay? And you’re going to be a little bit more uptight with this first one than you are with number two or three. Why? Because you’re new at being a parent and they’re new at being a kid.
So you’re going to walk gently, softly, you’re not going to get excited, you’re not going to get hysterical. The kid gets powerful, throws himself on the floor, whatever, simply step over them and walk away. Okay? That’s for openers.
Doug : Dr. Leman, we started this off this by saying we need to be responsible for our own actions and yet the question that’s in my mind here is, “How much do I look back to what my parents did well and really what my parents did not so well-bad, to help me be aware of my own probable reactions?”
Dr. Kevin: Yes, well I think, again, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Maybe you have experiences in your life, parents, who were you know, “My parent did this.” or “My parent did that.” And, “I’m never going to do that to my kids.” And, “I’m never going to say that to my kids.”
Well, if we’re in Las Vegas now, okay, and I was going to place a Christian investment, that’s called a bet. I would bet that not only will you say the same thing your Dad or your Mom said to you. But you will say it with the same tone in a inflection their voice, as they did.
So, again, we are a product of our environment. And it means that if you want to change your behavior as an adult, I mean I wrote a book called, “Have a New You By Friday”, and it teaches people how to stop, and ask yourself, “What would I normally do in this situation?” Think that through real quickly, now, “What’s the new me going to do different?”
Without that kind of a synapse, that kind of a checkpoint or check off, your behavior isn’t going to change, you’re going to be very predictable. What I’m saying is, you can literally think your way to behavioral change. So for those of us who came out of very dysfunctional families, and you know it was dysfunctional. Now you’re a mom, or now you’re a dad wondering how you’re going to handle it, you keep that statement in mind.
Doug: So, your encouragement is if your mom was a critical flaw-picker or whatever the situation was. If I understand this correctly, I need to be sitting down and saying, “Oh my goodness, I am going to be a flaw-picker most likely.” But new Doug is saying, “When I see that opportunity,” I’m going to put the tape in my head that says, “I’m going to do what instead of X, Y, or Z experience.”
Dr. Kevin: Exactly, instead of pouncing on the negative, I’m going to look at the positive. I’m going to learn to say such things as, “Good job, Honey.” Good job is encouragement. It’s what Dr. Leman calls Vitamin E, and your kid needs a lot of vitamin E.
We were in a restaurant over in California this week and we sat down next to a Chinese couple and they had a little ankle-biter, probably about a year old, in a highchair right next to us. She was so close I could have touched her shoulder.
And she decided that her family was really boring and for whatever reason, she turned and looked at us. Then we started to smile with her, had eye contact with her, and wave to her and she waved back. And then my wife started clapping, and then she clapped. And whenever she clapped, everybody, and there was like 8 of us at the table, would all clap back. It was so much fun to watch this because she grabbed a noodle off of her plate and waved it around like it was a flag, and then she went back to clapping all the more.
Every time we clapped, she’d clap enthusiastically and every time she did it, we did it more. And it was funny after the dinner and this young cute family was leaving, they said, “This is really interesting she never clapped until tonight.”
So, what I’m saying is that, we don’t realize how much we can socially impact our children. They’re always looking up at you parent, they’re taking notes on how you behave, and in how you talk to each other, and as a reference point for those people of faith, you represent Almighty God to your kids.
And that’s why you speak with a gentle voice, and that’s why you leave room for air in the kid’s life because each of us are imperfect. So you’ve got to put away the little perfectionist, flaw-picking attitude that maybe you came into this world with and it was developed through your home in your interactions with your mom and dad. And you’re going to begin to behave differently.
Why? Because you love your kid and you don’t want your kid to have that negative mindset.
Doug: Dr. Leman, I want even to help people more on this because I think so many of us get stuck here and it really takes an act of incredible things to get them out. Because I think about my own story when my daughter came to me and said, “Dad, I’m afraid of you because of your anger problem.” Then finally I cared about the fact that I had an anger issue and it was passed on down to me.
For people like me, how do we help stop that instantaneous story that we fire up immediately in the middle of a stressful moment? We come in and the whatever, the paint is on the wall, and the poop is spread everywhere. Especially for an anger type of emotion, how do we replay, how do we change that tape for us?
Dr. Kevin: Well you’ve got to know where you came from. Okay? And did you come out of an authoritarian based home?
Doug: Yes.
Dr. Kevin: And again, most of us did! I mean that’s how we bring up kids in America, and Canada as well. We have the authoritarian model which says, “I’m bigger than you are. I know more than you. I’m the boss and what I say goes.” And when there’s a rule violation, okay, now you’re rule oriented.
The spark goes off and it might mean that when you see that situation, doo-doo on the wall is never a pretty sight I don’t care how artistic the kid is. It is not a pretty sight and what you have to learn to do, I mean you know yourself better that Kevin Leman knows yourself.
What you have to do is turn around and get out of the situation. If it means count to 60 or turn on some music or just walk out in the backyard and gather your wits. You just have to do something to be able to derail your thinking and your thought process, so you can go in and handle things with ease.
Now if we’re talking about a 14 month old child, a 16 month, 18 month old child I mean they’re kids. I think you have to be goal oriented at this point. Number one- you need to change the baby’s diaper. Okay, or wherever the feces ended up. And is that a pleasant job? I’m here to tell you, I have never cleaned up doo-doo and said, “Boy, I love doing that.” But it’s part of being a parent and you’re going to pick up vomit and yes, your kids are going to get diarrhea and just hope it’s not in the fine restaurant that you mistakenly took them to, to begin with.
Okay? But I’m saying just be goal oriented. Go in and do what has to be done and don’t be shaming your kid. If you grew up with shame, you’re driven by guilt today and guilt is the propellant for most of the lousy decisions you will make as a parent.
So again, you have the opportunity, young parent. I’m glad we’re doing this for you to set the social milieu, the social, what’s the right word I’m looking for– environment for your kid to grow up in. Where it’s okay for them to fail. It’s okay for them to fail. We’re not running these kids down a railroad track, a straight road.
King Solomon was the one who said, “And He will direct your paths.” And paths is plural, we’ve got a lot of paths in life and these kids are not mannequins, they’re not robots, they have feelings, they have attitudes and they have differences. For those of you who are on child number two, notice how different child number two is from child number one.
But again, my point is, you’ve got all the gold in your back pocket. You’ve got the four aces of life, we call it parental poker and as these kids get older you’re going to know how to play those cards. Sophisticated to the point where you’re really helping them mold the child in a positive direction but you’re not putting a bit in their mouth, and over correcting, and over micromanaging their life.
Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer
Guilt is the source of most lousy parenting decisions.
Announcements
Dr Leman’s latest training is 5 Simple Steps to Build an Awesome Parenting Foundation.
The training is for parents with kids 7 years of age and younger. If your child is older than 7 and it feels like things are a bit out of control, this training will help highlight areas you missed for the firm foundation.
It goes on Sale Fri, Jan 9th and closes Mon, Jan 19th.
Click HERE for more information.
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