Your child just rejected your core belief and value. What do you do? You think it is the best thing for them, but they flat out refuse. Do you fight more? Do you give in? Do you cry?
Why would the middle child fight you? Aren’t middle child supposed to be the peacemakers? Why did this one go sideways?
Dr Leman answers these questions with his usual wit and wisdom in this episode.
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Question #1:
From: Kristy
Subject: Refusing to Go to Church
Message:
My youngest is 13 and a few weeks ago she came to me and announced she no longer is going to church…that she no longer believes in God, and that I can’t make her go. In 13 years she’s probably only missed church a handful of times when sick or something. It’s always been something we do as a family on Sunday, but she’s right. I can’t physically make her go…and I don’t know how to handle this situation. I’ve been inviting her, I don’t want to bribe or punish…what do you recommend?
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
- Kristy, you are brave to ask.
- First of all, 13 is pretty young to have this all figured out–that God does not exist, etc.! Of course, you cannot make her believe.
- Have a conversation with her. Say things like:
Ok, you’ve figured this out!
Wow! You are one of a kind.
I love you!
I am proud of you.
I am asking you, as part of our family to come to church with us, since that is what we do as a family on Sundays.
You can tune it out.
After we get home, you have the rest of the day to do what you want with your time.
You only have to do this for 5 more years, then you are on your own.”
- If she decided to escalate and fights even more, remember, as the parent, you “hold the gold in your back pocket.” You can stop taking her to her activities if she does not want to cooperate. You can simply stop taking her places, paying for her phone or other luxuries you provide.
- Stay calm and don’t react to her actions.
Question: #2
From: Tania
Subject: Disciplining My Middle Child
Message:
Hi, I have 3 boys: 10,8, & 5. After reading your Birth Order book, I feel better about not being able to figure out my middle child! As you can probably guess, he’s very strong willed & struggles with obeying & respecting authority figures. My ? Is, how do I discipline his strong will without quenching his spirit. Taking away the few things that seem to matter to him, time alone in his room, spanking…none of this works! What approach do I need to take with my middle child? Thank you, Tania
Dr Leman’s Answer
- Your middle child is a powerful child, not strong willed.
- As a middle child, he is stuck in a rough position.
- Acknowledge his position in the family. Communicate to him that he is in a rough spot in the family. He has three parents: Mom, Dad, older brother.
- First, he needs to hear: “Can I hear your opinion?” Put your arm around him as you say this.
- Middle children don’t ever get asked for their opinions.
- Also, talk with them about their older sibling, “Your older brother is he a know it all? I understand what you are up against.”
- He is digging in, because he feels squeezed by the brothers. The older brother is mister good at everything. The youngest gets away with everything as the baby and gets lots of attention for acting silly.
- Remember, above all, to treat your three kids differently. They have different needs, positions in the family, etc.
- You can do this. Get behind his eyes and see the world as he does.
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