Jennifer asks: “Would vitamin N work for a teenager who has been raised by a single mom and two Grandparents who, mistakenly, made their worlds around her to make up for a father never there?” While Julie asks, “How do I get my unengaged husband to engage with the family?” Dr. Leman answers with his usual wit and wisdom
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Question #1
From: Jennifer
Subject: Teenager tearing two families apart
Would vitamin N work for a teenager who has been raised by a single mom and two Grandparents who, mistakenly, made their worlds around her to make up for a father never there? She still hates my husband of 8 years and resents him for marrying me. He does not deserve her hate and the disrespect. Her hateful actions, disrespect, language and etc are badly influencing my three young children. I have read two of your books and love them! My question is how do I protect my little ones while getting her on some serious Vitamin N, and protecting my little ones from the backlash. I really respect your teachings and would value your advice if you are willing. God bless you for writing your wonderful books. They give me hope!
Sincerely,
Heartbroken mom
Dr Leman’s Answer:
- First of all, you need to have a heart-to-heart with her and owe up to how you have contributed to the divorce.
- Her bitterness pretty much guarantees her of being a lousy wife, mom, and of having a lousy life.
- Her anger is consuming her. Bitterness toward her father has taken over. She really wants her daddy’s heart.
- Now, win her cooperation and notice the good that exists in her.
- Say,
- ” I owe you an apology–I ran most of my life on guilt, and I made you the center of the universe. This was a mistake.”
- “Other people count. You have influence over other people by how you act (whether good or bad).”
- “You are so angry and bitter, it will eat you up. I won’t allow your venom to spill onto the younger kids here in the family.”
- Offer to take her to counseling.
- Remember: Guilt is the propellant for most of the lousy decision you’ll make in parenting!
Read my book, Have a Happy Family by Friday
Question #2:
From: Julie
Subject: Parenting when two different approaches & unengaged spouse
Dr. Leman, hello! How to parent with my husband as a team when one is christian believer converted(me) and homeschooling while the other focuses on work and his school being away from 5AM TIL 7PM while not on the road traveling? Very absent. And while he is at home working on his computer.
I believe it is his responsibility as much as mine to educate his children but am I letting him some space to do so; since I became a christian I think I do and try to lead him toward being the “chef”; bringing choices and letting him make the final decision BUT when it comes to stepping in for authority and disciplining his children he does NOTHING.
Perhaps for three reasons: 1st, we have been together married for 15 years and I was the one leader in the couple being very strong headed determined and outgoing. I have taken the lead. For the past 6 years, I have removed myself from being the decision maker sort of to let him take his place. This is sort of creating a hole: he never did this before I used to do everything even working outside the home. So he finds himself not knowing what to do nor knowing how to do it! Then does not do anything! AVOIDING all situation by ignoring them or staying at work longer hours but he tells me that he does all this for us! I try to lead him but communication is very very difficult when we only see each other a few hours before I go to bed.
2nd, his own family background and
3rd, not his priority, justifying himself or thinking that I am a control freak!
I do not know how to make him understand that he is passing by the time to buid relationship with his kids and he does not. They are now teenagers and when they leave home he will not know them at all ever!
Sad sad sad! I have shared with him my thoughts and concerns. The only reply I got was: “what do you want me to do?” Am I wrong thinking that he should be wanting to soend time knowing his own teenagers?
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
- You trained him for 15 years, stepping back won’t change him.
- To avoid criticism, he stays away and works a lot to provide for the family.
- You can say things like: “I NEED you”, “Would you help me”
- Invite him to be the problem solver for you. Men like to be invited in.
- Be aware of what your body language is saying
- Don’t “should” on him
Books to read: Have a New Husband by Friday and Have a New You by Friday
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