Porn addiction is becoming more rampant in today’s culture, but what really happens if you or your spouse are struggling with porn addiction? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman talks about the severe consequences of porn addiction in a marriage and how they affect not only the spouse, but the kids too.
Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.
NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman
**Special Offer– May 21 – 27: Way of the Wise ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable™
Transcript
Doug: Does your husband look at pornography on the internet? Have you ever found something accidentally or walked up behind him and he switched the screen really quick? I’m sure this is creating a pit in your stomach. It’s a bigger problem out there than we realize. How is this affecting your kids? How is it affecting your own relationship with him? This is what we’re going to talk to Doctor Leman about today.
Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening.
Andrea: I’m Andrea.
Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today to add to that parenting toolbox, but if this is your first time with us, just to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help.
Doug: Well, Doctor Leman help us out.
Andrea: It seems like this is a bigger and bigger problem out there with the internet, so I’m really curious to see what you have to say, Doctor Leman.
Dr. Leman: Well, we’re bombarded by sex. No matter where you look; a magazine, TV, movies, whatever. Sex is all over. It’s presented usually in ways that are not healthy, or in ways in which I think all mighty God intended it to be, for sure. You know, in the book The Intimate Connection, I talk about two things that can never enter your marriage. One of them is obviously another person; an affair can be disastrous for not only the couple obviously, but for the families involved. The kids involved, the in-laws, the out-laws, whatever you want to call them, everybody. It destroys the family unit. Well, if we pay attention to the kind of statistics that are shared nationally in our country today, pornography is a huge multi billion dollar industry and the thing about pornography, it is so addictive, usually reserved for the male species. Are there women who are into pornography? There are, but so few compared to the overwhelming number of men who get hooked on pornography.
Dr. Leman: It’s near impossible, as a male, to watch a pornographic film of any kind and not recall vividly certain parts of that movie. They are indelibly imprinted on our mind forever. Now keep in mind that pornography is not real. It is something that is produced and manufactured in studios. It’s there for a given purpose to excite the most animalistic tendencies you might have as a man in your mind and body.
Dr. Leman: Again, I underline terribly addictive. Okay. So, if you find out that your husband is into pornography, you tell me. How do you feel? I mean, how do you feel as a woman? Do you feel like you’re now, three babies later and a few pounds around your midsection, are you in competition with some well built, put together porn star? Where does that take you in marriage? Does that make you want to feel close to your husband? Does that make you want to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings? I mean, if you want to talk about two things that will destroy a marriage it’s obviously an affair and the other is pornography and it’s huge.
Dr. Leman: Now we get to the, what do you do about it? Well, women are going to respond or react differently. Everybody’s going to react differently to finding out that your husband is in a pornography. Most women react. Most women react in a way that’s combative. How could you do this to me? Many of them will take the route of divorce, dissolution of their marriage. I mean, it’s huge. Other women who, for whatever reason, maybe it’s just maturity or a better understanding, they’ll stand by their man and they’ll try to work through this with their husband.
Dr. Leman: My experience has been that people who are hooked on pornography need professional assistance. Those of you who know me, know I’m not quick to say, hey, go seek a professional’s help. But in this case, I think it’s important to you have a neutral party help you walk through this. The damage done by this, the visceral damage to that wife of yours, gentlemen, is unbelievable and it’s going to take a long time for her to build back trust. You know, marriage is built upon mutual respect and trust and love. I always say where there’s love, there’s discipline and there’s going to have to be disciplinary. You’re going to have to walk with your husband through this, sharing your honest feelings and your husband has to see the connection and see men are great at segmenting this off. They won’t always see the connection that you see with pornography.
Dr. Leman: They have the ability to put that at arms length. But you just heard what I’ve said is very addictive. So women respond differently. I’ll never forget the woman who found these really gross pornographic magazines and she gathered them up and her husband was getting ready for work in the morning and she threw them over the shower. So it’s one of those points in a marriage where the true muddle of what love is all about, comes to the forefront because it would take a very patient, understanding, caring woman to ride through this rough waters of life with your husband to get through this. But you have to restore the trust and faith that was once there and that’s going to take a lot.
Andrea: So you’re saying that this couple, would probably need to go to counseling together for her to be rebuilding the trust, but how does the man get out of this addiction?
Dr. Leman: Well, it’s like I asked myself the question, is it possible for a man just to cold turkey and walk away from pornography? Yes, and I would remind people of faith, with God, all things are possible. There are men who just cold turkey walk away just like there are people who are alcoholics who stopped drinking on a dime. They don’t go through recovery program. They just stop and they’re sober today 20 years later. But I’m just saying it takes a very understanding woman to even hang in there because she feels so damaged. Her very being was damaged by this act. She’s saying to herself, how could you do this to me and to our children and to our family. I thought you were this and I thought you were that. You know if you’re saying, hey Lehman, you’re not giving me a lot here. I got news for you. If I had the answer to this one, I would be a multi-billionaire. I’d bottle it and sell it to you for a buck a piece.
Andrea: I just have to say, even listening to this, my stomach is like, I have this sense like, yeah, that woman had a right to throw those magazines in there. I can just think of how I feel like I would have a right to be so angry and vindictive about it.
Doug: So to that point, you tell us not to react but respond. What would be the first response that you would encourage that spouse to take?
Dr. Leman: Well, I think just to share with her husband that she is deeply hurt and feels damaged and dissed and add as many adjectives as you want. You’re going to get his attention, whatever you say. Then after you’ve said your piece, it really depends upon what your husband says next. Because if your husband doesn’t come back with, I’m sorry and I was wrong and I’m not sure how I did that myself, but I got caught up in it. Then, and only then, does a woman step forward and say, well, I’ll walk with you through this journey but no guarantees. I mean she has to take, I think a hard line with this. If she doesn’t, he’s not going create the motivation in himself that this is really an important life changer for myself, my family, my career, everything, my relationship with my children.
Dr. Leman: And again, keep in mind that men have a way of segmenting these things in their mind. That this is, oh no, this has nothing to do with my love for you or the children or anything else. It’s sort of like his golf game. It’s just a part of my life, but it’s not. It doesn’t affect our marriage at all. I’ve had men who are hooked on pornography tell me, oh, it doesn’t affect my marriage at all. I don’t know what she’s talking about. It’s no big deal. All my friends turn to it. I mean, I’ve had men say that with a straight face. I mean they don’t know. They don’t realize women are internally motivated. They are good at seeing the insides of the Doug Terpening’s of the world; not just as handsome physique and his cute little face, but the Andrea’s of the world can look inside of a Doug Terpening and appreciate the qualities that make him Doug on the inside. Men are not real great at that. Men are sort of overpowered with what’s on the outside.
Andrea: So is it ever that the woman maybe has contributed to driving the man to this? Should woman take a look at her own behavior or the way she’s treating her husband?
Dr. Leman: You know, we offered the book Have A New Sex Life by Friday and I made the comment that that’s a great accessory book to go along with the new book, The Intimate Connection because the question you’re asking is an interesting one. It creates the ire in many a woman to just bring that question up, Andrea. You know I’ve always tried to shoot it to you straight.
Dr. Leman: In fact, we got a little thing in our segment now Straight Talk from Doctor Leman and I’m going to shoot it to you straight as I can. Most of us as men are very sexually driven people and a healthy sex life is part and parcel to a good solid marriage. There are many women who really believe that’s not true. They treat sex as a duty, is something they have to do, is not something they really enjoy doing, and I’m just quoting myself and here’s the quote just came to mind.
Dr. Leman: “If you don’t have a love affair with your husband, someone else will.”
Dr. Leman: I don’t back down from that statement one iota. I believe that’s totally true. So if you ladies don’t have a love affair with your husband, somebody else will. That somebody else might very well be a porno star and the thing about pornography, I’m reminding all of us, it’s impossible for a man, in my opinion, to watch a pornographic movie film, whatever, and not recall and vivid detail parts of that pornography. It leaves an indelible imprint on that man’s mind and that’s why it’s so highly addictive and I’ve been at this a long time. Many men will watch the same pornographic movie over and over and over again. Why? Why not watch different ones? I mean, why would someone just watch the same one over and over and over again?
Dr. Leman: Because what’s in there is just so overpowering and made such an indelible imprint on that man’s mind, that’s what drives him. But see if he’s not getting any kind of intimacy, I’m saying intimacy. I not saying sex here; intimacy and or sex from that mate, that sets up this huge need for sexual gratification. Where did a lot of men turn? I mean in the news, and I don’t mean to be accusing anybody of anything, everybody’s innocent until proven guilty, but it’s just the news lately that Robert Kraft, the owner of the Patriots was arrested, cited for soliciting prostitution. I mean there’s a guy who’s got mega millions of dollars, very high profile person. I mean what would drive a man of that stature to a house of prostitution? Talk about they say the oldest profession in the world there it was, I mean there’s just a lot of sexual needs that are met in unhealthy ways in our society today. And by the way, we want to thank you guys for the easy question.
Doug: Ah, well I have one more in just a moment, but right now if you wouldn’t mind Doctor Leman, I’d love another, I just love these segments. So if you could just give us another Straight Talk with Doctor Leman here and then I’ll ask another question here.
Dr. Leman: People always ask me why I insult husbands so much. We’re easy to insult. I guess that’s some honest answer, but people love it when I say, think of your husband is a four year old that shaves. You know we are the simple gender. If you could imagine the cockpit of a huge 777 Dreamliner aircraft, ever peek into the cockpit of an aircraft? All those buttons. I mean, how do those guys up front, guys, meaning men and women. This is 2019. How do those men and women know what buttons to push or pull or probe? I have no idea, but when I see the cockpit before me, I think of your women because you are so complicated.
Dr. Leman: What you like on Tuesday you don’t like on Friday night. That’s always been a puzzle to me. I’m a guy who eats the same breakfast every morning for life. I go in a restaurant, I know what I’m going to have before I even look at the menu. I’m as predictable as I used to be; not Mrs. Uppington, my bride. Oh no. It depends upon her mood, her mood, and I better turn into her mood or I’m going to be singing Moody River by myself that evening. So again, there’s some humor in this, isn’t there? That men and women are different. That men are very simple.
Dr. Leman: You know, for most of us as men, we would like a direct approach. Hey honey, just tell me was you want me to do and I’ll do it. I’m laughing at myself, but that’s how most of us men think. Here’s the problem, gentlemen. Your wife, when she tells you what to do and then you go ahead and do it, guess what? There’s not a lot of satisfaction in that for her emotionally.
Dr. Leman: If you want to satisfy your wife emotionally, try to get behind her eyes and anticipate her needs. When you meet her needs without her having to tell you what those needs are, ka-ching, ka-ching. I can hear the bells ringing. You just made a sale. So carry on men or should I say you four year olds?
Doug: So before we jump back into our last question, I think it’s very interesting, Doctor Leman, that this is the book that bigger book is offering to our podcast listeners. The Way Of The Wise for $1.99 in ebook form May 21st to 27th.
Dr. Leman: You know, I keep going back and forth in my mind. Is that my favorite book of all time or not? Because I have lots of favorite books, so it’s like ask you asking the Terpenings’ which of the four is your favorite. But one of the books that I truly love is The Way Of The Wise.
Dr. Leman: You know, if you struggle in your life with faith, of the meaning of life, is there really a God, or you got someone close to you that you know is struggling or maybe a young person in high school or college, I can’t tell you how great a little book that is. It has so many little jewels in it. It’s a book that I wrote by the way in 54 days from beginning to end. I’ll never forget the publisher saying to me, you’re done. I said, yeah, it’s in the mail. It’s done and they said, how could you do that book so quickly? I remember what I told her. I said, it just flowed from my heart. A lot of the book is autobiographical. There’s a lot of me in that book and if you’ve heard me speak enough, you’ve heard me say that there were first 21 years of my life I had no use for God whatsoever.
Dr. Leman: But it’s a worthy read. The Way Of The Wise. It’s a small book. You can read it in a short period of time and what are we offering for a 1.99? That book’s worth a million. I’m telling you, that’s one of the best little books I ever did and I think you’ll enjoy it. We talk about the way of the shepherd and the way the wise. Two little hardback books, but they’re great reads, I think. We get a lot of compliments on those books, so take advantage of that.
Dr. Leman: What’s the window when people have to get these, Doug?
Doug: May 21 to the 27th.
Dr. Leman: That’s a short window. So you’ve got to act. $1.99. Get two of them.
Doug: Of 2019. So Doctor Leman, this is a parenting podcast. How will pornography in my house affect my children?
Dr. Leman: Pornography in and of itself is a great predictor that you will end in divorce, so it’s going to really severely impact obviously your marriage, those around you, those you love the most. It’s going to bring all the negativities of life right to the forefront for your children. Want to do a number on your wife, gentlemen? Want to do a number on your kids? Get hooked on to pornography. That’ll do it. Guaranteed 100%. So, it’s terrible. I mean kids are always watching. Parents remember they’re always taking notes and how you live your life, the things you say, how you treat not only them but each other. That’s really important to keep in mind.
Andrea: What’s the likelihood that a child whose father, or mother I guess, is involved in pornography will also model that in their own lives?
Dr. Leman: You know, I don’t know if there’s a connection with that or not. I suspect there is, but I couldn’t say it in great authority that there is.
Doug: And then one of my last questions is how do I know what it’s when it’s a real habit or when it’s just a blip, right? Like so Andrea’s example, I come around the corner and I see them change the screen. How is a woman or how do I know that that’s it’s a real issue? Only by doing a little detective work could you find out if it’s, you know, a lot of men would toss that off, honey, I don’t know. This thing just popped up. I don’t know about you Doug, but I get stuff at my computer all the time. Women who want to meet me and they want to do things to me. I mean, I don’t know.
Doug: I mean they go to a junk trash pile and my computer, but I mean, we’re surrounded with garbage in our lives. And so I say you have to do some investigative work ladies and sometimes you do. I mean is this man spending a lot of money on films that you don’t know about or purchases from stores that sell pornography. Can a man happen upon something? Yes, but even a chance happening of something, it’s pornographic will stay in a man’s mind.
Doug: I know I just talked about my upbringing my first 21 years and my mother marched me to church, all that and I remember one of the songs we used to sing as little kids would be careful little feet where you go and be careful little eyes what you see. It’s amazing stuff that I think I hated and stayed away from as a youngster. As I get old, I see the, I’m thankful for our mother who cared enough about her kid to take them to Sunday School and church and be careful little eyes what you see. Be careful little ears what you hear. Be careful a little feet where you go. Isn’t that good advice for the Terpenings and the Lehmans and everybody else? I think it is.
Doug: How will getting and reading the book Intimate Connections help protect my marriage from this happening in my home.
Dr. Leman: Well for some of you who really don’t have a solid foundation in your marriage and you know it, it’ll help get you to a point where you have a foundation. It may not be a super foundation, but nevertheless it will be a foundation where you can function well in your marriage. For those of you who just never connected, you never got an opportunity to really share who you really were with your husband and your wife for all kinds of reasons, because some of the baggage that both of you brought into that marriage, there’s hope for you. It gives you a starting point. It’s going to help you to be able to communicate. It’s going to teach you how to respond and not just react. It’s going to give you a chance to figure something out that you probably know that you are a direct result of the relationship that you had with your mom and your dad and your siblings.
Dr. Leman: But it’ll give you a framework and honest framework to take a look at an honest look at who you are, your pluses in your minuses, and I think more than anything else, it’ll give you a hope that if you read this book and implement some of the ideas in it, that you can get to a point of oneness and marriage. And that’s the goal. Will, everybody have the intimate connection? No, I’m going to tell you they won’t, but you can get close to it. And if you’re close to the intimate connection, you’re going to have a good solid marriage.
Doug: So as always, I know I repeat myself, but it’s because I care about you. Believe it or not, these are the kinds of things that will change life in the positive ways of reading this book and feeling closer to your spouse. Like Andrea and I have gone through seasons where I didn’t want to be with her at all. Like I would have been nice in some ways not to be with her, but man, I would have been a fool and today as we’ve gotten closer and closer like we are now, it’s crazy, amazingly wonderful. Like it’s way better than I ever thought life could be. Buy the book because it’ll give you new concepts, new tools, new ways of communicating that will allow you to feel closer and there’s nothing better than feeling closer to your wife is what I’m trying to say. For your sake, not for mine, for your sake, go do this.
Doug: Okay, great to be with you guys today, and as always, we love doing this with you and we love being a part of this. Continue to send in questions, and you’re allowed to rate and review what you think about the podcast. You’re allowed to pass it on. If you know a friend who’s struggling with this issue right now, I highly encourage you to just text her or however you communicate with her and just tell her, hey, there’s this really might apply to what you’re trying to deal with life right now. So thanks. And we look forward to next time we get to be with you.
Andrea: Have a good week.
Doug: Take care. Bye. Bye.