Is your spouse over-powering and, like a wedge, driving away everyone in your family? What do you do? What about anxious children that jump and worry about everything, big and small? Dr. Leman answers these two questions today.
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Question #1 Anne:
My husband is an authortiarian father. His 25 year old son just got engaged and told everyone in the family, but his father. His father is furious. Our older two boys couldn’t wait to get out of the house and leave their father. Our youngest child is a girl and she loves her father, but I fear he is going to drive her away if he doesn’t change. How do I get him to see what he is doing?
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
Authoritarians have to be approached softly, otherwise they will Slam Dunk you!
I’d start with softly pointing out what is happening in the family:
“I could be wrong, but…”
“This makes me sad…”
You need to give him lots of vitamin “N”–meaning “NO.” He does not like to have other strong people around him, he submits to no one.
He will need to make a change in himself if there will be a change in the kids, and this will be a long soul searching, gut wrenching time, but worth it for the long term relationships! As his wife, you can be the one to help him see the danger of where his behavior is heading the family.
I’d recommend that you and him read, Be the Dad She Needs You to Be.
Question #2 Christy:
My daughter has become very anxious. The other day a girl in her school came down with cancer and now she is deeply worried that she herself has cancer. She often finds other things to be anxious about and worry about. How do I teach her to be less anxious?
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
First off, she produces her anxiety. It is her purposive behavior to get you to come alongside of her, to worry with her, to give her attention, to get her in a powerful position above you. You taught her to worry by hovering, coddling, and making sure things are just right.
There are a few things you can do to help her overcome her anxiety:
1. Use words like, “I know it is a big thing to you, but it is not to me!”
2. “You have my permission to worry, but it won’t change a thing.”
3. Don’t worry with her.