Does your ex spoil your child with over the top gifts at every turn? Do you have a kid that dreams about earning money by playing video games? These are both questions that will get answered in this episode.
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Question #1
Hi Dr. Leman-
My daughter’s father and I have been divorced for about 12 years. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is, and I’ve tried to make the best of it over the years. She is now 16-years-old and we are “right in the thick of things” as far as the teen years go. Through much prayer and by God’s grace she is truly turning out to be a wonderful human being who doesn’t get into trouble or hang with “the wrong crowd”.
Her Dad and I see her half and half and live in the same town. And Over the years when she’s at her dad’s she’s given every material thing she wants literally. In my home, we can’t and won’t compete with that. Recently those things have gotten much bigger. For her 16th birthday her father bought her a brand new SUV. She worked all summer to supposedly “help pay for this car”. She handed the cash over to her dad and never got to spend or save any of it herself. her car is always messy and she doesn’t take much pride in it. And She recently broke the screen of her iPhone 5s (that he purchased for her). I thought this would be a great opportunity to let her live with it and teach her to take care of her things. Nope, literally the a few days later he went out and bought her the brand new iPhone 6 as a replacement. This type of thing has been happening for years.
My question specifically is this: How do I keep her grounded in life and help her to understand that real-life doesn’t work that way? While I mentioned earlier that she’s a great kid, and she truly is, she doesn’t really value much of anything she has because it’s all handed to her. Now I have to be honest here and say that there have been a few occasions when I’ve purchased her something just to get it before her father did. And you don’t even have to say it, shame on me! I know better. I realize that in doing that, I too contributed to the issue. I haven’t done that in a while as I realized it’s not helping anything.
I’m looking for some solid ways to teach her to value and take care of the things she has and to help her understand that she’s not entitled to anything in this world.
Thank you for your help!
From, Jenny Sanders
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
First of all, your daughter is getting poison from her father every day!
The key is: she doesn’t take care of these things she is given because she doesn’t have a “dog in the fight.” It is no surprise!
For you, mom, you have been wise to choose not to compete with her dad. Here is my advice:
- Sit tight
- Don’t intervene
- Keep solid guidelines and she will adjust
Question #2:
I have a great son, but is addicted to video games, failing school not very
social. Both parents work a lot. He is the only child at home. He is not
rebellious, he is respectful and very loving. He doesn’t argue or say
hateful things. But isn’t motivated to do schoolwork nor does he make
friends at school. Started a new school this year 9th grade having a
difficult time. I am looking for direction. Do I give him a schedule? How
do I motivate him? How do I help him grow up to be a man. What is the
direction I should be directing him. How do I help him make friends. How
do I encourage him to do more than video games. His dream is to make money
playing games. I don’t want to discourage him or be negative about that. It
would be great if he could do that but I want him to focus on school and
graduate someday. He at times says he should just drop out and go to work.
We own a grocery store and he works there in the summer.Thanks for your help.
Becky (Mom)
Dr. Leman’s Answer:
I want to encourage you, Becky, about your son! Here are all the great things I see:
- He knows what hard work is because you own a grocery store
- You describe him as respectful and loving
- There is some virtue in the fact that he is technically inclined
Here are my tips:
- Don’t react to comments about quitting school
- Don’t worry about not engaging other kids (he is comfortable in an adult world)
- Focus on the relationship with your kid and his positive attributes
Announcement
The next session is about How to Survive Summer With Teens. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)